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kloiterra

Sperm, originally...

Member Since 2004

Followers 21 Following 32

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Monday Oct 05, 2009

Oct 5, 2009
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the day she started working there, i was attracted to her on some level;
a moth to light again, again, again, but this one's obviously not a bug-zapper.
i want to figure out this new character, to spend some time with her, to read her, to figure her out: is this a friend, a friendly or a mate?
i can't seem to get her alone--is she intimidated by me?
at work we act like coworkers, at the bar, she's always with her roommates Childlike and Uninteresting. intrigued yet unsatisfied with the bar conversations, i invited her to go to the Renaissance Festival with me.
i figured we could be alone in a fun, comfortable setting and besides, i needed a new dram of my patchouli blend and the witchy ladies at Renfest are the ones who can precisely mix my signature scent.
Clair expressed her excitement to go, but two days before the untitled date, she said that her roommate Kayla(the 22-year old child) wanted to go too. and Kayla's boring boyfriend Paul.
great.
at the Renfest, it felt like me hanging out with a group of friends with whom i was not very familiar or necessarily interested in...like a fourth wheel trying to roll with a tricycle.
we wandered and looked and chatted, but when i stepped into my traditionally favorite shop(hand drums), they said they were going to keep wandering down the path a bit. i stepped out of the shop 5 minutes later and couldn't see them, so i wandered the direction they'd told me...an hour and a half later, i was still wandering, sweating, hungry, almost out of money, tired from an angry previous evening, and a little bit bitchy. i was increasingly self-conscious-- i had sweated rings through my hoodie. i kept walking, thinking do i eat or drink my last fin?
duh.
at the Canterbury Pub, i ran into the girl that had stalked me through most of my 20s. thankfully, we're somewhat friendly now, and she told me that she and her boyfriend had gone to Vegas and gotten married.
i knew i hadn't really been ditched so i declined their offer for a ride that would have gotten me halfway home.
finally, i found my group and we made our way to the exit.
from the shotgun seat, i did most of the talking i'd done all day. i explained how i was in a strange phase of my life right now, that i wasn't a full moon. i told the story of Archer and how i hoped it wasn't prophetic. i feared that i'd painted an ugly portrait of myself to her, that it seemed like every story i told her involved drugs or negativity of some sort. she assured me that she knew i wasn't a junkie or an addict, and i explained that i'm actually a very positive, optimistic person beneath it all, that now was just a rough spot in the road.
i want her to surprise me, but just like what killed the last few relationships i've been in, i recognized that i was more attracted to her potential than her reality.
she's not much of a deep thinker, and i'm coming to realize that that is a deal breaker in my world(maybe deep thinker isn't completely accurate...i'll try to describe that better later) she's not stupid, she's just not an analyzer nor an expresser. her friends, her conversation and her preferred music clues me in to the conclusion that she's not quite full-grown...and a full-grown woman is what i'm looking for.
i can't help but see the best in people--i have a hard time seeing past what they could be at their best, and focusing on that is a huge doorway to disappointment...hell, it's the welcome mat. most people i've met don't see in themselves what i do and don't strive for it. it leaves me inevitably bored with them.
so the conclusion: it's okay for me to have some fun times with Clair, to be her friend, but i'll have to keep my hands off of her. i'm glad i've learned this lesson-- it's an advanced step in the giving/receiving pain-avoidance dance.

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