"That which is denied gains power, and seeks strange and unexpected forms of manifestation." - Peter J. Carroll's Liber Kaos.
i'll not deny it, i was angry when i walked home tonight.
disgusted.
at several points in my life i decided that i must have been the angriest man in the world, but anymore, it's an emotion that i'm not used to. it scares me, but not because of what i fear it will make me do--i won't do anything, it's because i don't know what is the cause of it exactly; i know the catalyst, but i'm not sure if i know the root.
it all comes back to something i said not that long ago--"the worst part of breaking up is living in a small town."
these days, i get to see her, wasted, making out with guys in the bar, jumping up and wrapping her legs around them, oblivious to the fact that i'm standing there.
it's not jealousy.
it's admitting to myself that i was wrong about her.
last night, Elrod and i were talking about it and i said that if she ever matured to the point of knowing the difference between sex and love, decided that she was done with her drama, and that she wanted me to be the only one, that i'd probably take her back.
tonight i realized that that was now a lie.
i hate the fact that there's a part of me that's not completely self-sufficient--i need someone new to make the last one go away, especially when the last one is constantly on display, rotting in the window.
there's a lot of shit on my mind right now,
too much shit flying around for me to sort it all out and write something meaningful:
the one i'm trying to forget;
the new and exciting one that i'm trying to spend more time with;
watching the New World Order being enacted and how we're all essentially fucked;
the classes i've neglected and how i'm going to pull this semester off;
trying to remember the brilliant idea i had the other night--all i can remember is that i had one.
i'll not deny it, i was angry when i walked home tonight.
disgusted.
at several points in my life i decided that i must have been the angriest man in the world, but anymore, it's an emotion that i'm not used to. it scares me, but not because of what i fear it will make me do--i won't do anything, it's because i don't know what is the cause of it exactly; i know the catalyst, but i'm not sure if i know the root.
it all comes back to something i said not that long ago--"the worst part of breaking up is living in a small town."
these days, i get to see her, wasted, making out with guys in the bar, jumping up and wrapping her legs around them, oblivious to the fact that i'm standing there.
it's not jealousy.
it's admitting to myself that i was wrong about her.
last night, Elrod and i were talking about it and i said that if she ever matured to the point of knowing the difference between sex and love, decided that she was done with her drama, and that she wanted me to be the only one, that i'd probably take her back.
tonight i realized that that was now a lie.
i hate the fact that there's a part of me that's not completely self-sufficient--i need someone new to make the last one go away, especially when the last one is constantly on display, rotting in the window.
there's a lot of shit on my mind right now,
too much shit flying around for me to sort it all out and write something meaningful:
the one i'm trying to forget;
the new and exciting one that i'm trying to spend more time with;
watching the New World Order being enacted and how we're all essentially fucked;
the classes i've neglected and how i'm going to pull this semester off;
trying to remember the brilliant idea i had the other night--all i can remember is that i had one.