kleptic

today was odd. An estranged friend of my family killed himself. He was an alcoholic and his wife left him so he called the sheriff's office and told them to come to his house so none of his friends would have to be the one to find him. then he sat down on the couch and shot himself. This whole development cast some of my recent feelings in a new light.
I've been a little depressed lately and while I don't think I would have really done it, I have had suicide on my mind lately. Thats actually how I found out about this site. In my infinite lameness I was actually googling "suicide" to find creative ways of self-extermination when I saw this site. I looked at the pictures on the free gallery and was amazed at how beautiful some of the girls were. Now, i'm not about to make the claim that this site saved my life. That would be a bit awkward and more than slightly inaccurate. But I will say it lifted my spirit a bit and set the idea of suicide at the backseat of my mind.
So when I heard the news of my family friend committing the irreversable, I was shocked. I hadn't hung out with the guy since I was little (back when my mom still drank) but he came into the store I work at and he was a nice guy. I certainly didn't want to have to never see him again. I might not have seen much of him but I still cared about him.
Which got me to thinking about when I wanted to do the same thing as him. The whole reason I was depressed was because I felt like people didn't care about me. But If I care about him, then I think people care about me ( I know this is incredibly selfish thinking but god-help me its how my mind works). I'm just ashamed it took something that drastic for me to realize how much of a dumbass I was being. I miss him and wish he hadn't done it. I hope no one else does it either.