kleio

I'm in a bit of an odd frame of mind at the moment (partly induced by beer), so be forewarned - this journal is likely to go all over the place.

I officially got "hired on" as a full time employee at my job. Up until now, I was only a full time seasonal employee, which meant that I didn't get certain benefits, like health insurance, paid time off, or job security. The last couple of weeks were a little tense for me, because the bosses had been letting us know that our busy season was starting to wind down, which meant that there might not be a place for certain seasonal workers. But I'm cool now, they want me to stay on as long as possible (though they're not aware that I may be moving halfway across the country in a few months). All in all, I'm super thrilled about this - it especially means I won't have to feel guilty about wanting to take the day after my birthday off next month!

And speaking of, this birthday is really one I'm looking forward to. I can't quite explain it, but lately I haven't well liked telling people that I'm 23. When I've been asked, it has been hard to resist the urge to blurt "I'll be 24 soon." I don't know why that is, though I'm sure there are a lot of reasons. Maybe people won't be so fucking shocked when they find out I'm a divorcee. It gets old, let me tell ya. I'm pretty sure the birthday plans won't be much more than sushi, light shopping, and a night of boozeahol, but that's all I ever really ask for anyway. While I love to celebrate birthdays, I never feel they ought to be ginormous big affairs. I just like being with the important people in my life - a list which is seeming to shrink more rapidly than I care for..

Ah, I'm not really saying that I don't have any friends, but I do feel a bit alienated from the folks I went to college with, even though a bunch of us are all still around here. I never get to go out with people - my socializing consists of time spent with Nick_Heretic, and D&Ding with the Slaughterhouse Five. The people I work with are cool and all, but they're not going to be in my life all that much longer, so partly there's the feeling of "Why should I bother, when these aren't really even my types of people anyway?" I'm starting to rely, I think, on SG more and more to fulfill my need to stay connected to the outside world, to interact with people, even if my interactions are predominantly silly. It just helps ease the loneliness a bit.

I think the next few months are going to be really rough on me, actually. I'm starting to feel a bit of strain right now, because I know the state that my life is in is temporary, and that I will be looking to the future very very soon, but ... not yet. I can't plan for anything, and I have to focus on everything that is right now. It feels a bit constricting, and isolating. I know that things in my life right now are at the best that they've ever been, but I've still been dealing with these odd bouts of depression that are so hard for me to explain.

I'm pretty sure most of my good friends here know me well enough to understand that depression is not a natural state for me - hell, I'm nearly in tears as I type this, and it's still hard for me to call it depression, but for the fact that I don't know what else to call it. I'm such an upbeat, positive person most of the time, and this feeling is often so easy for me to shake with the right thoughts, that I almost feel as though I'm nearly insulting those who genuinely suffer from depression. And yet, whether triggered by sexual frustration (the anorgasmia has been really troubling me lately for some reason) or by loneliness, or exhaustion or fuck all else, it seems as though I've been having at least one night a week where I just cry and cry for no reason. I can usually stop myself, as I said, with the right thoughts - I know that whatever is wrong now, I'll have a whole new mess of things to occupy my mind and my time in a few months, and that all this will be just a memory and it's silly to stress over it. When I remind myself of these facts, I may not feel better, but I stop feeling worse.

I'm also really wanting to get in front of the camera again. I've started thinking about potential set ideas for another SG shoot, for whenever I get the chance to make another attempt. I'm not holding out much help for my Second Chance set. Having seen the types of sets that are getting accepted for this, Dark Time really still isn't anywhere near what they'd accept, no matter how many fantastic raving positive comments it gets. Ah, well. Nothing lost, look to the future, and all that.

Feeling down, but not out.


In other news, Firefox crashed on me, but since I recently updated and it now had the fancy "Restore Session" option, I didn't lose a single word of this blog, which was waiting only for the image to be complete. Firefox = pwn.