kleio

Last week I was happy. This week, today in particular, but possibly on and off for a little while, I will not be so happy.

I found out today that one of my former professors and current mentor/friend/colleague/role model/all-round like-family type person has been diagnosed with cancer. It is, I am told from most reliable sources, between her lungs, quite close to her spine, and currently inoperable. She'll be beginning full chemo and radiation soon. She probably won't be teaching this semester, and maybe not next semester.

It's really scary, because I love her like an aunt, like a dear friend, like someone who has taught me a great many things, in and out of the classroom, that I rely very heavily on. It was for her productions that I realized how much I enjoy stage management, for her productions that I worked the hardest to run smoothly. I just can't stop thinking about it, being afraid that she's going to die very soon, and that she's going to be in a whole lot of pain, and miserable, and very unlike herself. For her to not teach, to not direct... It's unthinkable.

I've been sobbing off and on since I found out this afternoon, and all I want to do is curl up and keep doing so. I want the world to stop until I can hear that everything will be ok, that someone was wrong, that everything's been fixed. This shouldn't happen to her. This shouldn't happen to the department, not when they've already lost three faculty members this summer..

I'm full of despair right now, folks. I'm very afraid, and I'm crying out my fears and confusions, and worrying aloud in the only way I really feel that I can right now. In an hour, I will have to be at work, and it will be seven more hours before I can collapse again.

Don't mind me, I'm just talking out of desperation. I need to vent. I don't need comments or condolences. I need this to not be happening. Why is this affecting me so much, so strongly? Why do I feel selfish? Why do I hate myself for feeling like this right now?

I hate emo posts, but there's nothing I can do right now. Maybe I can make this one go away in a few days. Maybe having a day or two off will give me something happy to report on.

Fuck, this sucks...