kitten

ugh...i've been putting off writing this journal for a few days, because there are so many emotions involved in it, i can't really express them all. but i guess the point of having a journal on here is to reveal what's going on in my life-the good and bad, the ugly as well as the pretty. so here goes. on wednesday night, our drummer quit our band. i think the term 'out of the blue' is an understatement here. a total shock is more like it. while i suppose she has her reasons, they weren't really fleshed out to us, at least not to the point that i can explain them to you. the only things she kept repeating were that she wasn't having fun anymore, and she wanted to quit before she hated us all. needless to say, i'm crushed. i'm heartbroken. i'm rejected--i'm not good enough. you know the worst part is that she's in another band--that she's not quitting. that just makes it that much harder. the last time a member quit our band, which some of you might remember from a year ago, it was because she didn't want to be involved in the kind of scene we're in--drinking, touring and all that. but this time it just feels like--we're just not good enough for her. but whatever. it's over now, now it's time to pick up and move on. i really really really don't want this to be the end of my band. i've put so much time and effort and heart and love and blook into this band, i can't just let it end like this. so now, we've got to find someone to drum for us-on tour, and permanently. i mean, we have an entire tour booked right now. it's pretty daunting. i've been under a tremendous amount of stress, trying to just comprehend what the fuck i'm supposed to do now. it might sound like i'm being way dramatic, but this is someone who i was in a relationship for 3 fucking years, who just...threw it all away. anyway, with a new record coming out, we can't just give up now. and in a weird way, her quitting makes me want to work even harder and be even better. this is a huge part of my life, and i'm just not ready for it to be over. fortunately, i have two other bandmates who do care about this band, and want to go on. so, it's not completely hopeless. i think sometimes i just freak out, because i'm getting older-im not exactly a spring chicken--and i want things to happen now. i don't want to be older and look back, and feel like i missed out on shit.
so now you know where i'm at. i'm really trying hard to not feel sorry for myself, and stay positive...but, fuck, it's so hard....