kitsune76

I hate having nothing to say.

Actually, I hate routine. Loving having work, hating how hard it is to try and do anything else. But I'm beginning to suspect that's part of my personality;; a general problem I have.

I also think I'm reverting to slightly scary distance bitch. It's a defence I enjoy and need to be careful of because it's related to the grotesque, except this time it's not. This time it's about pseudo-control, about seeming that little bit distant but in control and strong. Only I'm not because the moment I get a chance I'm back to being my usual weird caring self. So I don't think much is changing there.

(sigh) The more I try to change, the more I become myself. And y'know, right now I *like* some of what I'm capable of. I like that I'm working hard and getting to grips wth the system. I don't like my weaknesses there but I like the chance to learn and grow. And if I can't have love (and I know right now I *can't* have love; it's not the right time or place in my life and I'm only ever going to get anywhere with anyone by getting to know them first as friends so pfft, just going to have to grit my teeth and prepare for the long haul) then I can at least try to learn to channel my energies constructively.

Ha. Yeah. Right.

Here endeth the ramble.

And *that* is why I don't post much when not much is happening.