Well, the last week has been all funky fresh and fun!
[/sarcasm]
Bizarrely, the breakup last week was not he worst event of the week. No, that was reserved for the life changing revelations stemming from a massive argument with my parents.
See, what many online folk don't know unless I state it is that I'm physically disabled. Cerebral palsy, moderate, enough that I need daily care but not such that I can't walk (I can but not very far). Oh, and I can only use my right hand.
No really. This is all typed one-handed.
Anyway, last week I had two revelations about it. The first being that I have a lot of self-loathing about my body and self because of te way I was received at secondary school, which is why I don't like trying to make the effort with people, or generally, because I don't think it's worth it and I'll always get rejected so what's the point.
The second realisation is that I don't have the freedom to indulge that.
See, I *cannot* sink in this life; I must try that extra bit harder and keep at a high enough standard because if I fall even a little, I'll die because I just do not have the same resources as able-bodied people. I'll end up losing something I can never recover. Or worse, actually fall between the cracks. And the care I need costs money to have, on top of normal expenses. Not to mention that society thinks the disabled should try harder to get over being freaks. And mustn't show freaky behaviour because they're freaks already so they cannot indulge. So yeah, we're going to have to take the geekiness and tone it down, oh, 100% in certain situations and put it in a neat box and not share it with everyone because not everyone will appreciate it.
(Oh, and work on that whole empathy/social nuances thing because quite frankly I'm as dense as anything when it comes to that.)
Unsurprisingly I'm not happy about this. Double unsurprisingly I don't really have a fat little choice about being happy or not; that's the way it is and I must deal with it and have no right to whine as, hey, it's just what everyone else has to face. I'm not special in this respect.
Except that my inner 8 year-old has found the valve on my Vat-O'-Fed-Upness and is spitefully pouring the stuff all over the shop because it doesn't like me to make an effort.
I'm also not really proud of this reaction so am dealing.
So that was my week. How was yours?
[/sarcasm]
Bizarrely, the breakup last week was not he worst event of the week. No, that was reserved for the life changing revelations stemming from a massive argument with my parents.
See, what many online folk don't know unless I state it is that I'm physically disabled. Cerebral palsy, moderate, enough that I need daily care but not such that I can't walk (I can but not very far). Oh, and I can only use my right hand.
No really. This is all typed one-handed.
Anyway, last week I had two revelations about it. The first being that I have a lot of self-loathing about my body and self because of te way I was received at secondary school, which is why I don't like trying to make the effort with people, or generally, because I don't think it's worth it and I'll always get rejected so what's the point.
The second realisation is that I don't have the freedom to indulge that.
See, I *cannot* sink in this life; I must try that extra bit harder and keep at a high enough standard because if I fall even a little, I'll die because I just do not have the same resources as able-bodied people. I'll end up losing something I can never recover. Or worse, actually fall between the cracks. And the care I need costs money to have, on top of normal expenses. Not to mention that society thinks the disabled should try harder to get over being freaks. And mustn't show freaky behaviour because they're freaks already so they cannot indulge. So yeah, we're going to have to take the geekiness and tone it down, oh, 100% in certain situations and put it in a neat box and not share it with everyone because not everyone will appreciate it.
(Oh, and work on that whole empathy/social nuances thing because quite frankly I'm as dense as anything when it comes to that.)
Unsurprisingly I'm not happy about this. Double unsurprisingly I don't really have a fat little choice about being happy or not; that's the way it is and I must deal with it and have no right to whine as, hey, it's just what everyone else has to face. I'm not special in this respect.
Except that my inner 8 year-old has found the valve on my Vat-O'-Fed-Upness and is spitefully pouring the stuff all over the shop because it doesn't like me to make an effort.
I'm also not really proud of this reaction so am dealing.
So that was my week. How was yours?
littledeaddoll:
I hope things get better darling...things usually have to get better after they are bad. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you 
fortysix_and_two:
There's times that those cracks threaten to suck me in as well. I just keep full speed ahead and my nose up, because failure is not an option for me. *HUGS* Let me know if you need anything.