kinto

*breathes deeply*

So much has happened in my life lately that I feel quite drained out... You know how nothing seems to happen to you for days on end, days that turn into weeks into months into years into lifetimes... and its like the light at the end of the tunnel is just a train

...until things fall back into place faster than light without your noticing it. Chaos might ensue as a result, since re-adaptation to a life thats lived and not just walked through is harder than you remembered. When was the last time you actually lived your life?

So heres a lowdown of what has happened to me recently, in no chronological order.

I am leaving Ipsos, the company I worked in for more than 5 years. I had some wonderful times there, met amazing people & some of them would even become classified as best friends. For most of my time here (yes, Im writing this from work), it felt like it was high school all over again... I mean, weve had so much crazed fun & laughs that its seriously hard to believe that we were even paid for all the madness...! Cant remember how many times I came here to work totally drunk from the night before and behaving like a madman with my friends throughout the day, shouting insults at the dicks around us (in French hehe), making all sorts of weird noises, even chick-dancing (dont ask) on desks, moonwalking in the office, etc... awesome times.

But of course, it was not always like that and the last few years have seen me totally lose interest in a job where I couldnt be promoted anymore (due to the hierarchy of the place, it would only have been possible if the Head of International Operations left, which will not happen in this lifetime...). Knowing the job by heart very much killed whatever little challenge/interest was still there in the first place. Also, working with some dickheads can be very stressful, lets not get into that too much. And finally, Ipsos UK never really helped me when I asked to be transferred to the US (although the US HR people I talked to were quite keen), which was very frustrating and left me quite bitter. Instead of investing in people as they say, they just kept me where they wanted, probably thinking I would stay there forever.

So, yesterday I told my boss I was quitting, which was GOOD. He never saw that one coming and I know theyre going to be in deep shit trying to replace me, since my job requires a lot of different skills, most of which were acquired on the job, and theres currently nobody who can do what I do here... hahaha

So Im closing this door for good. 5 years is a long time.

The company Im going to work with is very dynamic and I am actually looking forward to starting, as their team has really nice people in it and I will learn new things from the start, as the job orientation changes. Also, Ive improved my salary by 30%, which isnt exactly bad, right

Anyway, so much so for the job front, just felt like saying why I havent been on SG much, my head being very much elsewhere.

Which brings me to the main point of this entry.

At the start of this entry I said that Time can stretch so badly throughout your life that you feel like youre living in slow-motion, although months go by relentlessly, one after the other

...and you dont get any younger.

I have been alone for most of my life, because of the fact that, in many relationships I have had, I wasnt really there. It took disillusion, tears, heartbreaks & unrelenting effort to go on day after day after day. Many times I totally lost it, losing direction, losing will to do anything at all, scarily drowning in my head & thoughts, sinking deeper into a place from which you might not return unscarred. I closed in, unwilling to let anybody get to me, getting all the more sad at my self-created loneliness that would never seem to end. It got to such a point that I got back into the self-destruction blues, trying to drink away this anger and this parody of a life, endlessly sinking even further in the process, dragging me under, slowly, surely.

I believe in Karma, creating your own life & bringing yourself into the light.

Things started to change last year around summer, as I was totally spinning out of control... I found my way back into sanity by immerging myself into books once again, making sense of something I knew but couldnt really fathom... you know, like this feeling you have when you just know something for sure but you cant really explain why & how you know that...

Rediscovering spirituality & the use of my brain felt unbelievable... and the mud started to wipe away. I started to be happier, friendlier & most importantly, I tried my best to give as much love & happiness to all the people around me, and it felt so right.

Positivity can be hard to sustain over a long period of time, if you let the daily life miseries get to you... its a never-ending process to train your mind to be happy and to stop letting yourself be driven by negativity born out of the frustration that this life inevitably creates. Samsara, great Sea of Ignorance, trying to drown us all in her insidious embrace...

Thinking differently changed my life & helped me be a much better human being.

When I met this very special girl, I was finally more whole and ready to open my heart to let someone in. And since Ive met her, Ive been feeling lighter & so much happier than Ive been in years that felt like forever.

I couldnt even start to describe how she makes me feel, because I would need pages & pages before coming slightly close to depicting what a beautiful soul she is. Were going to Paris tomorrow and I cant wait to be there with her, creating our own little piece of eternity every single day that goes by.

She makes me so happy & I her.

Thank you all who had the patience to read this - and even you, the ones who went straight to the end

One of the reasons I ♥ SG is because it allows me to open a door into my heart that stayed shut for way too many years. I am glad to know so many amazing people from all over the world and I hope youre all doing well. And if you dont, you know where to find me

Much Love & Light,

me.