The undercurrent violence of my emotions is a nasty beast thats been gnawing at its leash for a while... and the rope might break before I have time to fix it. And God knows I dont want to go there again.
Ive been spending most of my life being a walking time bomb. I guess it started early, or maybe it was there from the beginning but I just didnt know how to acknowledge it.
As far as I can remember, Ive always been thought of/described as mad, extreme, crazy, insane. It could be all good and well, and maybe Ive always dismissed those claims by saying Im just weird sometimes (and especially under the influence of alcohol), and in a disturbing way I cant pretend I did not find some comfort in the thought of being unlike the majority of the people... but that is missing the point by over-simplifying a much more significant fact that cant be overlooked: I am an extremely cyclothymic person and Im still a loooooong way from knowing how to deal with my state.
How are you supposed to deal with your life when theres nothing like average in your vocabulary & feelings for life & people? Simple: you never get any rest, any peace of mind. Whenever nothing much happens, youre caught in a state of somnambulism, like a night watchman who hides in the light: never really here, never really there. Waiting. Waiting for something that might never happen, fomenting plans and creating lives that wont ever see the light of day. You feel so alone, and you love it. You feel so alone, and you despise it. You love yourself to bits & you hate yourself for reasons indissociable. You are a human Lego with interchangeable parts that wont change your defining self... but it leaves you never being just One.
You dont know how to deal with being single.
Then someday you meet someone you feel good with, someone who has the inestimable ability to make you stop thinking/over-analyzing every single event in your life. Someone who makes you smile, someone who makes you lighter, someone who makes your heart beat faster, someone who makes you want to believe that this life can be beautiful. But youve been there before & its always ended in tears & heartbreaks. No exception, nothing like an amicable split; every person that shared your bed, your head, your heart left with a piece of it, and even the smallest taken bit youll never really recover fully from. People turned up, people stayed for 5 minutes, others for a lifetime... but in the end they all have to go.
So you dont want to open the last door that leads directly to your heart. You think that what youve learnt from the past is going to protect you (and in a way, it certainly helps); you think that no matter what happens you are in control because your head is stronger than your heart. But is it really? And most importantly, why does the mind always conflict with the heart? Shouldnt they be working together towards the same goal, instead of perpetually fighting each other? Dont they know that they are part of the same body and that what they both want ultimately is Happiness?
Control. What a word. Control leading to inner Peace. Not being involved. Renouncing. Taming Emptiness. You think you are on top of things & its all running smoothly. No hurt this time.
You dont know how to deal with being in a couple.
And then something happens. For an instant suspended in time, you are left out of the life of the person whose presence on this earth has made yours bearable, without your really noticing it or plain admitting it. There is nothing like exclusivity and Ive certainly learnt that a long time ago; and while youre happy for her happiness, it breaks your heart to be reminded that sometime, someday, she will be looking at someone else this way, as she did before she met you, she will after she lets you go, when all has been said & done.
The impermanence of things.
You wont exist in her world anymore, or become just a pleasant memory.
Why do we always have to make ourselves believe that life & love are forever?
Theyre not; theyre just not.
I want to learn to control myself, I want to finally achieve the totally free gift of love, I want my mind to stop tricking myself and stop letting those emotions drive me insane. I want to feel intensely but I dont want to be ruled by those destructive emotions. In the end, they only mean one thing.
It is very hard to deal with the inner feeling of being more alive than people around you, to truly feel like you have more intense feelings about this life than most people will ever understand.
...when somehow you know that your souls been around for a long, long time and that still, whatever youve learnt, whatever wisdom youve acquired,
you just dont want to go alone in the end.
Much
to you all.
Ive been spending most of my life being a walking time bomb. I guess it started early, or maybe it was there from the beginning but I just didnt know how to acknowledge it.
As far as I can remember, Ive always been thought of/described as mad, extreme, crazy, insane. It could be all good and well, and maybe Ive always dismissed those claims by saying Im just weird sometimes (and especially under the influence of alcohol), and in a disturbing way I cant pretend I did not find some comfort in the thought of being unlike the majority of the people... but that is missing the point by over-simplifying a much more significant fact that cant be overlooked: I am an extremely cyclothymic person and Im still a loooooong way from knowing how to deal with my state.
How are you supposed to deal with your life when theres nothing like average in your vocabulary & feelings for life & people? Simple: you never get any rest, any peace of mind. Whenever nothing much happens, youre caught in a state of somnambulism, like a night watchman who hides in the light: never really here, never really there. Waiting. Waiting for something that might never happen, fomenting plans and creating lives that wont ever see the light of day. You feel so alone, and you love it. You feel so alone, and you despise it. You love yourself to bits & you hate yourself for reasons indissociable. You are a human Lego with interchangeable parts that wont change your defining self... but it leaves you never being just One.
You dont know how to deal with being single.
Then someday you meet someone you feel good with, someone who has the inestimable ability to make you stop thinking/over-analyzing every single event in your life. Someone who makes you smile, someone who makes you lighter, someone who makes your heart beat faster, someone who makes you want to believe that this life can be beautiful. But youve been there before & its always ended in tears & heartbreaks. No exception, nothing like an amicable split; every person that shared your bed, your head, your heart left with a piece of it, and even the smallest taken bit youll never really recover fully from. People turned up, people stayed for 5 minutes, others for a lifetime... but in the end they all have to go.
So you dont want to open the last door that leads directly to your heart. You think that what youve learnt from the past is going to protect you (and in a way, it certainly helps); you think that no matter what happens you are in control because your head is stronger than your heart. But is it really? And most importantly, why does the mind always conflict with the heart? Shouldnt they be working together towards the same goal, instead of perpetually fighting each other? Dont they know that they are part of the same body and that what they both want ultimately is Happiness?
Control. What a word. Control leading to inner Peace. Not being involved. Renouncing. Taming Emptiness. You think you are on top of things & its all running smoothly. No hurt this time.
You dont know how to deal with being in a couple.
And then something happens. For an instant suspended in time, you are left out of the life of the person whose presence on this earth has made yours bearable, without your really noticing it or plain admitting it. There is nothing like exclusivity and Ive certainly learnt that a long time ago; and while youre happy for her happiness, it breaks your heart to be reminded that sometime, someday, she will be looking at someone else this way, as she did before she met you, she will after she lets you go, when all has been said & done.
The impermanence of things.
You wont exist in her world anymore, or become just a pleasant memory.
Why do we always have to make ourselves believe that life & love are forever?
Theyre not; theyre just not.
I want to learn to control myself, I want to finally achieve the totally free gift of love, I want my mind to stop tricking myself and stop letting those emotions drive me insane. I want to feel intensely but I dont want to be ruled by those destructive emotions. In the end, they only mean one thing.
It is very hard to deal with the inner feeling of being more alive than people around you, to truly feel like you have more intense feelings about this life than most people will ever understand.
...when somehow you know that your souls been around for a long, long time and that still, whatever youve learnt, whatever wisdom youve acquired,
you just dont want to go alone in the end.
Much
to you all.
VIEW 25 of 43 COMMENTS
And dude, for f***s sake you worry too much, just chill the hell out and enjoy it. Things will work out how they're supposed to, and there's not point dwelling on things you can't control.
[Edited on Feb 28, 2005 10:55PM]