Why is it always so fucking complicated?
Nothing happens to you for years or months on end... and youve let yourself drift in a semi-conscious state consisting of a very pale imitation of life, pretending you dont care... but deep inside youve been feeling horrible all along because you know that there should be so much more to life than this.
You start to become a shadow of your own self, slowly disappearing in a maze of empty glasses of alcohol and clouds of cigarette smoke... going on and on and on and on and always and forever, feeling a little more sick of your image in the mirror every morning when you have to face the truth for a second or two at this very moment when your eyes open to see beyond the pretence... before your mind shuts the door on the picture and creates an oblivious smile on your blank face. You insert an instant fake grin and youre ready to go.
And then someday your subconscious mind cant take it anymore. Theres just this persistent feeling that something is wrong, although it is not a realization of messianic proportions youre getting introduced to... more like a nervous twitch at the back of your head that wont let you sleep soundly anymore and keep you as restless as a dead line ringing forever in a house where nobody lives anymore. Youve been going downhill for so long that you cant even really remember when, how & why it started.
Oh, the dirty tricks of a sick anaesthetic second-hand life scenario...
So youve come to the edge of your world... Maybe this was one drink or one refused tear too many. You start changing little things; you begin to make room for some discipline and enthusiasm in your daily routine, oh what a word this is, what a word you hate, routine... You hesitantly start to smile again and are even surprised at how good this can be.
Yes, this feels good, everyday like a small victory, a cataclysmic explosion in a glass of water. Setting new goals for yourself, learning and willing to make plans for the future again instead of living a day by day instant throw-away life. People around you might not see that youre not the same anymore; that youre grown tired of faking because this is all so subtle... but this is all started and this time you keep it going.
Rewards are just round the corner or so it seems. At least theyre within arms reach once again. Sleep comes back and dreams might even re-appear. You are not scaring people away anymore and even making new friends... Girls look at you and smile back, they stop turning their heads away thinking that the stranger might be beautiful, if it wasnt for this aura of sadness and unease around him that makes them shiver and never look back.
Your outlook on life changes... The never-ending grey like a British summer starts to fade into a permanent blue sky in your eyes. Smiling is now something you enjoy and want to share with the people around you.
And finally one day you meet someone you fall madly in love with. Your heart is beating faster at every little thought of her, and holding her in your arms is like holding a piece of Heaven, a moment of Eternity. Nothing else really matters or can affect you because you know shes there somewhere in this world, and all the magic shes already given you is beyond any earthly possessions anyone shall ever collect.
You would like to be forever close to her, to breathe her every breath and hold her like the sky holds the sun... exchanging summer kisses that would melt 4 seasons into one... You would like to be there when shes happy and loving, but most of all, you would like to be there when shes down, when shes sick, when shes afraid, when shes unsure, when shes lost.
You want her to know that you & her are beautiful, you want her to know that you want to be hers and hers alone more than anything... you want her to know that youll never ask her to do things she doesnt want to, promise things she cant, restrict the love she has inside for others.
You simply want to say that its driving you mad to be a million miles away from her eyes & touch now, and that its the most beautiful & the saddest feeling all at once...
You simply want to say that every day that passes leaves you hoping that this deceitful life and her most destructive weapon, Time, will not make her forget the most intense way she can look in your eyes and hold you in her arms.
Nothing happens to you for years or months on end... and youve let yourself drift in a semi-conscious state consisting of a very pale imitation of life, pretending you dont care... but deep inside youve been feeling horrible all along because you know that there should be so much more to life than this.
You start to become a shadow of your own self, slowly disappearing in a maze of empty glasses of alcohol and clouds of cigarette smoke... going on and on and on and on and always and forever, feeling a little more sick of your image in the mirror every morning when you have to face the truth for a second or two at this very moment when your eyes open to see beyond the pretence... before your mind shuts the door on the picture and creates an oblivious smile on your blank face. You insert an instant fake grin and youre ready to go.
And then someday your subconscious mind cant take it anymore. Theres just this persistent feeling that something is wrong, although it is not a realization of messianic proportions youre getting introduced to... more like a nervous twitch at the back of your head that wont let you sleep soundly anymore and keep you as restless as a dead line ringing forever in a house where nobody lives anymore. Youve been going downhill for so long that you cant even really remember when, how & why it started.
Oh, the dirty tricks of a sick anaesthetic second-hand life scenario...
So youve come to the edge of your world... Maybe this was one drink or one refused tear too many. You start changing little things; you begin to make room for some discipline and enthusiasm in your daily routine, oh what a word this is, what a word you hate, routine... You hesitantly start to smile again and are even surprised at how good this can be.
Yes, this feels good, everyday like a small victory, a cataclysmic explosion in a glass of water. Setting new goals for yourself, learning and willing to make plans for the future again instead of living a day by day instant throw-away life. People around you might not see that youre not the same anymore; that youre grown tired of faking because this is all so subtle... but this is all started and this time you keep it going.
Rewards are just round the corner or so it seems. At least theyre within arms reach once again. Sleep comes back and dreams might even re-appear. You are not scaring people away anymore and even making new friends... Girls look at you and smile back, they stop turning their heads away thinking that the stranger might be beautiful, if it wasnt for this aura of sadness and unease around him that makes them shiver and never look back.
Your outlook on life changes... The never-ending grey like a British summer starts to fade into a permanent blue sky in your eyes. Smiling is now something you enjoy and want to share with the people around you.
And finally one day you meet someone you fall madly in love with. Your heart is beating faster at every little thought of her, and holding her in your arms is like holding a piece of Heaven, a moment of Eternity. Nothing else really matters or can affect you because you know shes there somewhere in this world, and all the magic shes already given you is beyond any earthly possessions anyone shall ever collect.
You would like to be forever close to her, to breathe her every breath and hold her like the sky holds the sun... exchanging summer kisses that would melt 4 seasons into one... You would like to be there when shes happy and loving, but most of all, you would like to be there when shes down, when shes sick, when shes afraid, when shes unsure, when shes lost.
You want her to know that you & her are beautiful, you want her to know that you want to be hers and hers alone more than anything... you want her to know that youll never ask her to do things she doesnt want to, promise things she cant, restrict the love she has inside for others.
You simply want to say that its driving you mad to be a million miles away from her eyes & touch now, and that its the most beautiful & the saddest feeling all at once...
You simply want to say that every day that passes leaves you hoping that this deceitful life and her most destructive weapon, Time, will not make her forget the most intense way she can look in your eyes and hold you in her arms.
VIEW 25 of 37 COMMENTS
haha you're right, if i can cope with nonchalance i can cope with just about anything
Nice to hear you are happy.
Wish I could tell you I went to see Jesse Marlin live in NYC on July 2, but I couldn't make it. New album out and I think the party was shooting a new video. I immediately thought of you!