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kinowa

Atlanta

Member Since 2005

Followers 10 Following 21

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Sunday Jul 24, 2005

Jul 24, 2005
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The world around me remains in constant motion, and I wish I could stop in a moment and think. So many things I want to comprehend, and so many things I never will. When will I stop being this shell. Do I deserve better. Perhaps I only deserve what I work for. It is wearing on my mind daily, what will happen next. I hope to be appreciated for my hard work and strife, but somedays I just rather not wake up. I would hope that if I showed initiative, it would have been appreciated, but when it isn't... the initiative is lost. Poor intention of others is my fear, and my fears are realized everday, everyone just has to look out for "number 1", and that is how its going to be. I am not the immature one, open your eyes, my reaction may be immature, but my message is clear.

Today was one of those days I would have rather not woke up, but life only moves forward. I am a coward, I want for things, but am afraid to have the ambition for them, because I fear they will not work out. So far, I have been right, and as soon as I show ambition, everything tumbles down. So I stop caring. I need guidance. Truely forgetting about the burden on my mind is my only release, a distraction, is my happiness. Perhaps you shouldnt be so false toward yourself, then perhaps I wouldnt have lost my respect. Yes, Im 19, yes, I am immature, yes I am troubled. But before you look at me and point your finger, anylize yourself. I see now that it wasnt me at all, all I try to be is myself, and if you dont respect or share that... I dont need you.

I had a breakdown last night, and Im sorry for any trouble I have caused. It was strange, odd, and annoying... but it was important for me, it needed to happen.


I only needed a little while, and it was over. I like that about myself, and not matter how much "Shit I talk" everyone should know that I am not that person. I wish I could have faith in someone. Maybe someone that doesnt let small things drag on for weeks and gain strength... Let it be. I let you go because I saw a glimpse of the real you and it was very poor. Perhaps you should realize that everything happens for a reason...

We both knew it would come to this, but I think you were too busy thinking about the past to see the harm being done today.

But all the same, I am sorry for your loss... and I am sorry for my actions... I guess both were justified, and I wasnt as big of a deal to you as you made it seem. I respect that, and if you rather never hear from me again... I understand, and would be happy to step aside.

We cant all be sane all the time.

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