kinkerbelle

I am going to be doing some much needed venting. (I know I haven't responded to your comments from the last journal, but I promise I will.) As a young girl, my father used to pull over on the side of the freeway, jerk me out of the car, and spank me with the belt so that oncoming traffic could watch. He's hung a wooden board on the wall, and beat my ass off with it once he came home from having a hard day at work. One of his most favorite past times was telling me to walk around the frontroom in a circle, which he would follow behind me with the belt spanking me as hard as he possibly could, and shouting at me that his belt's going to make me dance in pain. Once I got to the age of 17, he would grab my shoulders, and shake me really hard. He also started to slap me in the face. (Which he's always slapped my mother around since as far back as I can remember.) He's even tried to slap me, and verbally battered me while I was pregnant. As far as what I did to provoke this treatment? Simple things like not doing chores, or wanting to hang out with friends, or a disagreement with my mother, or just because he felt like it. He's told me that I am stupid, worthless, a bitch just like my mother, it's good my son died because I am not a good enough mother, and things along those lines. In his eyes, women are dumb as dirt. He is also a hypocrite, and a racist. If you are wondering why I've chosen to write about this, well because he still to this day causes so much pain to me. Frequently his words play in my head like a broken record. I even asked my mother once if I was adopted, because I didn't think my blood parents would be that way to me. (Which the answer was no). He's even worse now than ever, well to my mother anyway. I've found out that he had put his arm around my mother's throat in the car while she was driving down the road, trying to choke her. If I would have been there, it probably would have been me in her place. I feel scared for her safety, but nomatter what he does to her, she sticks around. Last year when I went out to visit them, he had all kinds of attitude towards me for no reason whatsoever, and would just sit in his chair staring at me with an angry face and such hatred towards me like he wishes he could kill me or that I was dead. He's told me that he wishes he never had me. I honestly don't know why he hates me so much, and treats me so shitty. He makes me wish I was never born.