Firstoff I wanted to give a shout out to the lovely Miss Tenacioussfor being the inspiration and motivation to write this... I'll try to do this relatively often... but no promises.
Anyway... just wanted to write about something that'd been on my mind lately.
"Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless."
This has been weighing on me rather heavily. I think partly because I realize I'm getting older... and am coming to grips with my own and other's mortality. It can be a pretty frightening thing. While I still feel like I'm probably 17 at heart... that was many moons ago. I guess what I'm concerned with is that if I was to kick the bucket tomorrow... I don't know if I could truly say I lived my life to the fullest. I would probably have a laundry list full of regrets... mainly of the things I never accomplished... or things I never saw.
The thing is... I don't really have a good excuse. I guess I like many people get caught up in the grind. Seems like it's work school sleep... wash rinse repeat. I have the blinders on and can only see the weekend. Just floating along until I get a moment to breathe. Problem is... even when that time get there... I'm usually too exhausted to enjoy myself. Then before I know it... groundhog day starts again. I hear the alarm. The cycle starts again.
I'd really like to take a breather. I wish I didn't need money to survive. I need to find a way to enjoy myself. I don't love my job... school is a drag. I don't have enough time just to take in life. Even if it's a day to do nothing. Sit in the breeze. Cold whiskey on the porch. Be thankful for being alive. No time.
I really need to make some changes... or before I know it I'll be 70. If I'm fortunate enough to live that long. I don't want to look back and torture myself with all of the things I wished I had done.
Any suggestions? Anyone else feel like this?
It seems like I always just put it off until tomorrow... but eventually... you run out of tomorrows.
Anyway... just wanted to write about something that'd been on my mind lately.
"Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless."
This has been weighing on me rather heavily. I think partly because I realize I'm getting older... and am coming to grips with my own and other's mortality. It can be a pretty frightening thing. While I still feel like I'm probably 17 at heart... that was many moons ago. I guess what I'm concerned with is that if I was to kick the bucket tomorrow... I don't know if I could truly say I lived my life to the fullest. I would probably have a laundry list full of regrets... mainly of the things I never accomplished... or things I never saw.
The thing is... I don't really have a good excuse. I guess I like many people get caught up in the grind. Seems like it's work school sleep... wash rinse repeat. I have the blinders on and can only see the weekend. Just floating along until I get a moment to breathe. Problem is... even when that time get there... I'm usually too exhausted to enjoy myself. Then before I know it... groundhog day starts again. I hear the alarm. The cycle starts again.
I'd really like to take a breather. I wish I didn't need money to survive. I need to find a way to enjoy myself. I don't love my job... school is a drag. I don't have enough time just to take in life. Even if it's a day to do nothing. Sit in the breeze. Cold whiskey on the porch. Be thankful for being alive. No time.
I really need to make some changes... or before I know it I'll be 70. If I'm fortunate enough to live that long. I don't want to look back and torture myself with all of the things I wished I had done.
Any suggestions? Anyone else feel like this?
It seems like I always just put it off until tomorrow... but eventually... you run out of tomorrows.
I always think about when Im older. When Ill be reminising about today. I feel like currently in my life I am happy. But not necessarily as happy as i could be. Im scared to get older and look back and not be able to say " i looked so good when I was yonger, I wish I had that body back." In all honesty, while Im by no means hideous, Im not happy that at my age I weigh as much as I do, or that im as inactive as I am, or eat junk food the way I do. Its horrible. Im scared to get old because my lifestyle now will have me leading a poor life later. Doesnt matter what I tell myself, I dont think when Im faced with a night of binge drinking or a handful of halloween chocolate.
I often feel like I never got to party like my friends did because of a relationship i wound myself in for 7 years starting when i was 16. I regret not being able to be stupid with my friends. I resent my ex and myself for that.
Im lucky enough to have a job that I enjoy and a roof over my head. I have a boyfriend, however he has not been truthful to me our entire relationship and im not convinced Ive ever began to trust him again. I feel like sometimes im short siding myself for being with him. I love him to death but theres always these doubts.
I guess we never feel fully staisfied with what we have and even when we are 70, will we then? Doubt it.