Dear God,
I know that we haven't been on the best of terms over this past decade or so. I know that the closest I've come to regular prayer lately has been getting women to shout Your name repeatedly while they're on the verge of multiple orgasms. But I thought that now might be a good time to open talks between the two of us and see if we can't find some common ground.
You see, God, the Boston Red Sox are tied 3-and-3 with the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series, and whoever manages to win tonight's game goes on to play in the World Series. And I'm begging you, Lord, please don't let this Red Sox fan's heart get broken by another woulda-shoulda-coulda been post-season.
Especially against the Yankees, Lord. You must have figured out by now that the Yankees have made a deal with Your opposite number. Not only do they seem to have more money than You to spend on their annual team salary, they've been in more World Series during my lifetime than your kid had apostles.
Tonight, o Lord, Pedro Martinez faces off against Roger Clemens. I'm not sure how big of a baseball fan you are, Lord, but Clemens was the Red Sox' rookie ace in the mid- and late-80's who left the Sox for the hated Yankees in the early 90's, because he said he wanted to play for a team that had a chance of winning the World Series. And he's gotten his wish, but I think that the deal he signed with the Devil should come due tonight. Tonight is Clemens' last major league game ever. Down on my knees, Lord, I pray to thee to send a good old-fashioned, Old Testament smiting Clemens' way. I want the Red Sox to beat him so badly that he spends the next week crying. And then I want them to go on to win the World Series, thus ensuring that Roger Clemens will never be able to enjoy a single day of his retirement. I want him to die a shriveled, lonely old man, deprived of joy and cursing the name of the Boston Red Sox with his last breath.
I realize that this sort of behavior is better suited to your Adversary, but I seem to remember hearing in a Tom Waits song that there ain't no Devil, there's just You when You're drunk. If you grant this tiny request and allow the Red Sox to get into their first World Series since 1986 and win their first World Series since 1918, I promise to never again doubt Your existence, nor to slander Your name amongst my cool atheist friends. I'm not sure that regular church attendance on my part is feasible at this point, but we can leave that on the table for next season.
Send me a sign, o Lord. Preferably one written in 20-foot high letters that says "RED SOX WIN!"
Your faithful servant,
King--uh, "Warren Heaven"
[edited at 9:40 PM on 10/16/03 to include the following]
Dear God,
Fuck you.
- KH
I know that we haven't been on the best of terms over this past decade or so. I know that the closest I've come to regular prayer lately has been getting women to shout Your name repeatedly while they're on the verge of multiple orgasms. But I thought that now might be a good time to open talks between the two of us and see if we can't find some common ground.
You see, God, the Boston Red Sox are tied 3-and-3 with the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series, and whoever manages to win tonight's game goes on to play in the World Series. And I'm begging you, Lord, please don't let this Red Sox fan's heart get broken by another woulda-shoulda-coulda been post-season.
Especially against the Yankees, Lord. You must have figured out by now that the Yankees have made a deal with Your opposite number. Not only do they seem to have more money than You to spend on their annual team salary, they've been in more World Series during my lifetime than your kid had apostles.
Tonight, o Lord, Pedro Martinez faces off against Roger Clemens. I'm not sure how big of a baseball fan you are, Lord, but Clemens was the Red Sox' rookie ace in the mid- and late-80's who left the Sox for the hated Yankees in the early 90's, because he said he wanted to play for a team that had a chance of winning the World Series. And he's gotten his wish, but I think that the deal he signed with the Devil should come due tonight. Tonight is Clemens' last major league game ever. Down on my knees, Lord, I pray to thee to send a good old-fashioned, Old Testament smiting Clemens' way. I want the Red Sox to beat him so badly that he spends the next week crying. And then I want them to go on to win the World Series, thus ensuring that Roger Clemens will never be able to enjoy a single day of his retirement. I want him to die a shriveled, lonely old man, deprived of joy and cursing the name of the Boston Red Sox with his last breath.
I realize that this sort of behavior is better suited to your Adversary, but I seem to remember hearing in a Tom Waits song that there ain't no Devil, there's just You when You're drunk. If you grant this tiny request and allow the Red Sox to get into their first World Series since 1986 and win their first World Series since 1918, I promise to never again doubt Your existence, nor to slander Your name amongst my cool atheist friends. I'm not sure that regular church attendance on my part is feasible at this point, but we can leave that on the table for next season.
Send me a sign, o Lord. Preferably one written in 20-foot high letters that says "RED SOX WIN!"
Your faithful servant,
King--uh, "Warren Heaven"
[edited at 9:40 PM on 10/16/03 to include the following]
Dear God,
Fuck you.
- KH
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
anything:
it looks like they are $20, with $7.50 surcharge each. that's fucked. almost 50%. I'm gonna look around, but sure thing. do you just want one?
anything:
see you tonight. what time?