There were eight hours to think about things, long enough I think to divide some clear aspirations and firm decisions. Only it was me. So there were plenty of decisions made and plenty of undecided conclusions. Part confusions drawn from a presumption that things will actually be ok(in respect to a love). Various situations in which I catapult myself into... where will they leave me bar burnt out. Words thrown at me yesterday by a family member.. repeated today by a previous girlfriend... I have to start listening to what they see. As angry as I have been, I cannot blame. Things make more sense now, looking at them with a slightly offset view. I couldn't assume I would be in this situation 5 weeks ago, I didn't even know 4 people in my life 5 weeks ago.. developing friends and such. Nothing ever seems to suit. I jus hate waiting. I know that's my fault, patience.. = none.
Today was calmer. I can only spend a little time around them.. I find myself picking faults in every sentence. Becoming defensive and edgy. With pureness at stake I need to reassess these little things. So, I gave up smoking last friday. My diet has changed. Slightly, as much a fussy person could change it. I have found some new foods I like though.
It's being strong... that's the problem. I need to develop some kind of confidence, even if it is makeshift temporary confidence to last the moment or so. Some comfortablity in my skin.. I am aware of the struggle .. but I am trying to achieve some kind of place to sit and observe. This woe is me crap is doing me no favours - yes I have been told this by several recently. I am aware of lack of interest, I often consider myself to be quite boring. My life right now suits me. I am waiting patiently to see miss kt..(of yet I am undecided on my superhero outfit.. though i have an idea..) and t & s that outfit must take days to construct..though firetrap may help... hmmmmm.
"..and I need to be patient and I need to be brave. Need to discover how I need to behave. I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask. I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask.. but I speak a different language and everyone's talking too fast.."
Today was calmer. I can only spend a little time around them.. I find myself picking faults in every sentence. Becoming defensive and edgy. With pureness at stake I need to reassess these little things. So, I gave up smoking last friday. My diet has changed. Slightly, as much a fussy person could change it. I have found some new foods I like though.
It's being strong... that's the problem. I need to develop some kind of confidence, even if it is makeshift temporary confidence to last the moment or so. Some comfortablity in my skin.. I am aware of the struggle .. but I am trying to achieve some kind of place to sit and observe. This woe is me crap is doing me no favours - yes I have been told this by several recently. I am aware of lack of interest, I often consider myself to be quite boring. My life right now suits me. I am waiting patiently to see miss kt..(of yet I am undecided on my superhero outfit.. though i have an idea..) and t & s that outfit must take days to construct..though firetrap may help... hmmmmm.
"..and I need to be patient and I need to be brave. Need to discover how I need to behave. I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask. I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask.. but I speak a different language and everyone's talking too fast.."
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i've been trying to find some mp3s from tegan and sara for a while. apparently i'll be seeing them supporting weezer later this year. excellent
:]
as for work... what do you do? i was supposed to be working tonight, but i'm in a particularly lazy mood. now a friend is covering my shift, and i'm free to bum around enjoying all of my 5 channels. z00t. ;]