kharnalbloodlust

new profile picture.

this really is a post about boys and my ineptness at keeping a boy.
there was m. for four and a half years there was m. i've accepted that m. isn't ready to get married, and because he isn't ready to get married he is scared by my desire for marriage. he also doesn't know if i'm the girl he would want to marry when he is ready to be married. so we finally let go of our relationship. him, because he needed to. me, because i can't be with a boy who doesn't want to be with me. we tried benefits...but we both have too many emotional hangups and it doesn't work like that. so now, there is nothing. well, maybe a friendship, but even now i'm raw around him and not sure when the friendship will begin.

j.'s been around since the start. somehow our snuggle/emotional alienation cycles never seem to sync up. i want physical satisfaction, he wants a girlfriend, i want a boyfriend, he wants sex. and rarely are we in the right place at the right time. damnit. he's comforted me when i thought i had no one else in this world who could. so for that, i am thankful. but every time i'm with him, for the days afterwards there's a lingering aftertaste that leaves me wanting him. not being with him, but *him.* and as time goes on, i want him more. and i don't want to put that stress on our arrangement. thankfully after a few days the desire fades away, but every time it comes up it's a little stronger--little needier. enh.

then there was g. g. is a boy who is very passionate and i'm guessing rather taken by me. he gets in too fast and doesn't know what to do and runs away. i wish the boy had the capacity to deal with me. he'd be a fun friend and a fun playmate if he'd just stop getting into me so deeply and then disappearing for months at a time.

now there is a. a. is one of m.'s good friends, and i spent the night at his house last friday. after 6+ hours of making out, fooling around, teasing, tormenting, laughing, talking, kissing....i'm infatuated. i know next to nothing about him, but that's ok. i just want to feel 90% of the time like i did with him. that's all i want from him. he can have his other girls, he can even flaunt his other girls--i don't care. i don't want him as a boyfriend, i want him as my personal snuggle-buddy, sex partner, feel-good-friend-with-benefits. no complications. but i want his attention.

really, i just want attention from boys i rather want to pay attention to. i want someone as passionate as i am emotionally, physically, and mentally. i want someone who can keep up and love me deeply and humor my interests if not actually participate in them with me. i want a friend, a partner, a lover. i think i'll never find someone who can range so far in their dynamics and still find center as i do ...i'm afraid i can't find someone who cherishes the good and the bad, the love and the hate, the pain and the pleasure, as much as i do. i want someone who burns brightly for me and lets me burn just as hot for them.

fuck it. boys. i don't get them....somehow i've lost it.
/end incoherence.

the book of love is long and boring/ no one can lift the damn thing.


p.s. this website looks like ass in 1024x768 on my 22in monitor. back to 1280x1024. woot.

p.p.s. i realize that the new profile pic doesn't exactly present the blood-thirsty intimidating sex-pot my name would otherwise suggest. oh well.
you'll just have to wait for the collars and blood.