kewkyd

oh man. i'm in a very confusing situation. over the last few years my husband and i have gone through a lot of changes. it's been very hard and stressful, but i feel like he's really making an effort to make things better. i've been upfront about how i've felt and what i needed to make this marriage work. even though he's been making the effort and taking such good care of me i'm afraid of it being too late. the only time i miss him is at night when i'm in bed b/c i've become so accustomed to sharing a bed with someone that it's scary and strange when i'm alone. i literally can not sleep.

i had actually gotten to the point where i gave him an ultimatum even though i know that's not fair. our lease for our apartment is up in march. that's actually when we'll be hitting the five year mark of our relationship. i told him that i'd give him that much time to 'fix' things and if i didn't feel better or close to him then we would move into separate places, but i'm struggling with reconnecting to him. we're still affectionate to one another. we haven't had sex in awhile, but i think it's more b/c he's afraid to make a move. honestly, i don't want him to. at this point i don't feel in love anymore. i still care about him, but i don't want to be with him. i feel like if i was pushed this far then that's saying something.

on the other hand i feel like people can fall in and out of love. right now i suppose my heart's on hiatus. besides what's going on with us i'm rehearsing and in a new band. i'm getting everything together to start school in january, and i'm transitioning into the person i've always wanted to be, but was too afraid to. even when i was happy with him i still had doubts about our relationship. he's a really good guy. he supports who i am and what i want to do. he isn't jealous or insecure and he completely trusts me. he takes care of me and does a lot of thoughtful things for me, but still i'm so numb towards him.

i've been pretty avoidant about the whole situation. like i'm still being open to wanting it to work, but i don't believe in my heart it will. besides all of that i really am starting to feel like i want to be with a woman. i've had this desire for awhile and i've been with them before...just never a real relationship with one. i don't feel right in this role. it just doesn't feel like me at all. i don't think i'm suppose to be a wife. i don't want kids...hell, i don't even like them.

part of me honestly wants to be alone. i feel like i've become too dependent and i need to do more on my own. i'm so lost as of what to do. all of my friends are younger or really inexperienced when it comes to life. i don't have anywhere i can go or anyone i can talk to about what's going on with me. i'm sort of afraid of having a meltdown of sorts. i just want to start over.

i don't want to hurt anyone...especially him, but i don't know what to do.