ketchup_suicide

An echoed silence fills her mind. I went blind today. I stumbled through the halls thinking your name.....am I dead? No one is that kind. A burst of black dots splay across her eyes. I went deaf today. I listened for the comforting rhythms but they were gone......now am I dead? No use hoping. Pain blossoms in my secret heart. Did you put it there? Or did I? in a fury of unknown did I inject the hate and make it grow? Am I to blame, or was the silent thief the killer? Have I now passed this to you? So many questions. To soon to be answered. In my blind, deaf, pained condition I pray to be shot dead. Save everyone the meaningless trouble. I am the harbinger of hate and pain. I wish not to harm, only to love. The hate brought out of me is far too great. It consumes and snuffs out love. It squanders all hope of happiness.

silence and darkness
~me

that isn't even close to my best...but it was something i wrote the other day....something i've been dealing with.

if i could zip my eyes shut
i'd never have to see who hurts me
i'd never have to see anyone to fall in love with them

if i could zip my mind shut
i'd have some peace and quiet
i'd never have to think about anyone anymore

if i could zip my mouth shut
i'd never hurt anyone ever again
i'd never say the wrong thing ever again

if i could zip my ears shut
i'd never have to hear the painful things ever again
i'd never hear the lies again

if i could zip my wounds shut
i'd be able to finally heal
i'd never bleed again

if i could zip my heart shut
i'd never be hurt again
i'd never feel again

zipper
~also me

Dear everything.
Today I witnessed a crucifixion in pink and lavender and gold.
I've heard people say that beauty is in details,
but I don't think they have ever seen you.
There were mortal wounds inflicted on the sky
and incrminating blue stains on my shirt.
The shirt you bought for me.
Christ it hurts.
Like stars in my belly going supernova.
I feel like a zombie that refuses to live.
Haunting the junkyards and cutting myself on scraps of you.
The other day I masturbated to pictures of you at your birthday party.
They were the only ones I still had.
It felt so wrong, just like my life.
I hope I'm dead by the time you read this. I love you.

starbelly
~Pig Destroyer

that song makes me cry. that song and The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves. Its funny....for a long long time i lost contact with my tear ducts and i couldn't seem to locate them....when i finally did they were completely broken. but lately....i've returned them to working order. and they work quite well now. makes me feel weak even though i know there is nothing wrong with crying. eh oh well

tomorow i think i'll take some pictures unless someone requires me to hang out with them

i've been avoiding pictures until i get my hair cut sometime this week hopefully...but i got a cool idea today.....i was eating berries....and i sqmushed them all up.....and poured them on my stomach....quite a cool effect. tomorow, me, sqmushed berries, fake blood, food coloring, and a bathtub. wewt.
maybe.
it would be fun though

i need to find my usb chord.....so i can upload my peektures from my camera....then i'll be able to wander the world and take random shots of nothing. it will be tons of fun.

i'm quite fond of these spoilers. they make me happy.....i think. anything that makes me happy is just an "i think" lately....hmm....

i've been picking my nose all day. its because of this stupid cold. normally i don't pick my nose so much....but i can't help it. i can't breathe! but i should probably use a tissue at least. i have some of the worst habits. someday....someone is going to come into my room and notice all the flicked boogers everywhere! that would be funny. i would laugh. and tell them to lick their armpit.

I don't like the song that is playing right now....it is Desert Song by My Chemical Romance. i don't like it at all. odd. because i LOVE My Chemical Romance. the song is just very unrefined and inexperienced. i changed it. good old Pig Destroyer to save the day

tomorow i get to go see my therapist for the first time. yay. that is exciting ;]

Gas was $3.25 today. grrrr. thats pretty bad. i swear to god, the government is upping gas prices to cover up something else...because you change gas prices and that is ALL the news and anyone can ever think or talk about. so it is lame

i'm dying. its exciting. Chellsi and i decided that it really is true!

i have cramps for the first time in my life. and they are killing me along with everything else. but funny thing.....i'm not even supposed to be on my period for another week and a half or so. thats lame. i thought the birth control was supposed to make it so that my period would be regular. this is the first time i've ever been early, and this is also the first time i've ever had cramps. i'm not fond of the cramps. nope. these i could do without. :[

I need to draw something. and i need to write something. i can feel the creativity dying inside me. i can feel my creations trying to get out. i NEED to get them out. but can't seem to do it. no motivation. no ideas. no originality...i just can't figure out how to get it all out on paper. {{le sigh}}

what am i waiting for?
there is nothing.
nothing is going to change
nothing is going to get better
I have so many words to say
But theyve all lost their magic.
Theyve lost their power
They just arent the same medication that they were before.

what am i hoping for?

my subscription here is going to run out soon. and i will be very sad. it will take me a bit to get back online too....because i am slightly broke as of late. {{le sigh}} so yeah. heads up on that one.

so yeah. i think that is all for now.

oh wait!! one picture. my rat Aeyella. this is a better one of her ^_^ AWWWW!!!

icons that i like.





thats all for icons for now....i have hundreds that entertain me...but thats all for now. ta ta

oh....and this makes me pee.