ketchup_suicide

tuesdays
ugh...blah tuesdays
i am stuck at work...and sick
i have like...bronchitis or something equally lame and painful
but....i'll get over it soon i hope
i normally don't get sick very often at all
and normally when i do get sick...i don't mind it so much
except this time....since i am sick.....i can't see Ian....he is a major germaphobe or something....any time someone is sick he refuses to see them until they're better
so i'm quarantined....and this cold only seems to be getting worse.....so i can't see him.....and i think i'm going to die

today is just a blah day
i woke up and actually got to work on time
go me
but....i'm all completely out of it and so incredibly tired
medicine + me = tired....a lot
so i'm going to crash on my desk or something
normally...i can stay awake by all the messages i have on my various websites....but today
it seems everyone is asleep
i've already answered all my messages....and no replies yet.....so it seems i am doomed to fall asleep

a couple of nights ago....i was feeling really really weird....i felt like i was about to die....i even wrote a letter to someone to say that i didn't commit suicide....i just felt odd...and if i was dead...i didn't do it
because everyone who knows me would assume i killed myself
i don't think i'm that depressed yet
besides....i'm terrified of dying
not of death
but of what comes after
what the hell is after death?!
i really don't know
i don't believe in anything anymore
but i still kinda believe enough to not kill myself
i dont want to end up in hell or purgatory....or in some afterlife that sucks because i killed myself....or in some lame situation if i am reincarnated because i killed myself or whatever
too many possibilities....too many negatives
so i'm stuck here

but i've officially decided that i need help
yep
there really isn't much cause for my current depression....i am very depressed all the time with no cause
maybe i get depressed because i'm bored
i don't know
because my life is very good....i have everything i could ever want....so i don't know why i get so depressed
it is possible that it is because i am spoiled....i don't know
but whatever the reason...i shouldn't feel like this....so i need help
i really do
because i know that if i don't it is only going to get worse....as bad as it was a few months ago....and i'm not going to care what comes after death...

but my dilema is this:
my dad....i have no idea how he will take me saying i need professional help
he thinks that i am all ok now...he thinks that i have climbed out of the depressed rut i was in
his words "well...i remember what it was like to be your age....and i remember my attitude that i had then. like you i had adopted a defeatist attitude as well....but i got out of it. maybe i have too much faith in you, and maybe i should be worried about all of this that you have been doing, but i'm not too worried. i believe you'll get out of it" yeah...i have adopted a defeatist attitude....and ever since i got a job....he thinks i'm all ok
yeah....a fucking job solved all my problems and has made me soooo much better
yep
i'm all cool now
in his eyes...thats how it is
so i'm afraid of what he will say if i tell him i believe i need help
i don't know

whatever

lets see...i don't just want this to be all emo|depressed|pitiful|lame so what is a happy note?
uhm.....i ate yesterday....thats good...first time in a few days....so i'm glad i actually finally ate again....not hungry today...but my mood is good enough that i might just be able to force myself to down something foodlike without puking it up
heh
i told you i have problems