kenyon

i think i'm having some kind of nihilistic moment (long moment). nothing seems solid, yo. i've probably just read too much about quantum theory. put another way: not much seems worthwhile, although it doesn't seem UNimportant, either. like: i'm working on a novel. suddenly, although i still love the characters and everything, i could conceive of simply not finishing it. which is weird for me, being a former perfectionist/ overachiever. where'd my impetus go? i want it back. i think . . .

awesome. seing Amina's GORGEOUS, killer set today somehow makes me feel less weird about shooting a set. even though my disability is "invisible" it's very fucking real. it's alienating to act all perky and eyelash-batting for the camera or onstage (the latter not a possibility any more) when i'm so sick, and have dudes tell me how hot i'm looking, when it all feels so alienating and like so much of an act. if they could just see me with no makeup, in bed for months, my hair all unwashed, emaciated, etc . . . perhaps this is too graphic or dramatic for a public forum, but i'm feeling emboldened by Amina's set, and besides, who really reads this journal anyway? so yeah, it's cool. and the thing is (oh god, i feel a pop psych summation coming on), we all have our things that are weird but we mostly don't talk about.

i did a performance piece a few years back when i was stronger where i stripped behind a lit sheet while a pre-recorded monologue played and my friend erin sang. it was all about the intersection between eroticism and disability, how funny situations can arise and how impromptu measures sometimes need to be taken (during sex, for example), and how ultimately we're all just as sexy as we are, no matter what shit is going down in our life. it felt good to do that performance, to get it out there. less alienating. xo.

(edited, as usual, for technical difficulties!)

[Edited on Sep 14, 2005 1:29PM]