kenyon

my life is a mind-blowing web of contradictions. though i am normally chipper and cheerful in public, i just had a total breakdown in front of my doctor, after we discussed how difficult it is to treat heart failure other than transplant. he told me, sort of jokingly, that he was beginning to doubt that i was sick at all because i always seem so upbeat. the last of the vitamin cocktail drained into my arm and i was still doing the shoulder-heaving thing; i couldn't stop crying. it was kind of funny watching him snap into nurturer mode for a minute, which i suspect isn't his default.

then i came home and made a sugar-free blueberry crumble (with stevia, an herb - no, not herb, just AN herb - instead of sugar), popped that into the oven, hooked myself up to oxygen which i cranked up to 4 from 2, poured myself a small glass of forbidden port wine, turned on cinemax and came to update my journal on suicidegirls.com, a place where the community is awesome but where the models generally make me feel a little sick to my stomach because of how cheerful/healthy/fit they all appear in contrast to my cute but atrophied self (the reason i almost quit sg back in december).

two of my friends are suicidal in that sort of cry-for-help way where they seriously might do it or they may just be trying to manipulate me in order to get my attention. i'm too burnt for that shit. i say if they're going to do it for real, if they HAVE to do it, at least maybe one of them could leave me a heart that works.

yup i'm sick and twisted, and i'm usually joking about stuff like that but everyone seems to take me seriously.

thank god for the little jade bonsai-style planting i whipped up the other day. it's so calming and cute.



the wine is long gone, btw.