kenyon

ok, so my friends are starting a punk/hardcore band and they really want me to front it. no, wait, i know it sounds tongue-in-cheek or silly or whatever, but i'm totally serious. this would be a good thing for me: um, i have lots of anger and this would be a constructive channel for it.

only problem is, last time i did something physical to blow off some steam (hint: it involved a pole), i put myself in bed for eight months. cuz of this stupid fucking heart condition i have that i'm always bitching about. when i exercise even the littlest bit, my body switches into anaerobic mode, can't process the oxygen, and begins damaging (heart) muscle.

so yeah, how can something resonate and feel so right and exist so just out of reach? i really want to do this, cuz i've performed in all sorts of guises and forums but never in a band stripped-down, fuck-it-all, noisy, terror-and-awe-inspiring situation, and it's always been a secret fantasy.

but seriously folks. sometimes just talking on the phone semi-intensely leaves me out of breath. so what makes me think i'll be able to scream my head off and pull my hair out and get in peoples' faces and just lose myself and live to tell about it? seriously! fuuuuuuuuuuuck tho, i wanna!

tantrum.

i've had nearly a decade to cultivate patience and groom acceptance of my limitations. but some desires never wane, i guess.

this feels like unrequited love.