kelland

Unhappy birthday. Table for one.

Cassiel and iamlost get brownie points and I love them. I just cannot tell you how much joy fills my heart that people I don't even know are so kind without question. I can't even devote enough words to their generosity.

I think my account runs out tomorrow for this site, so if I go gray on your list, don't fret. I will be back in a jiffy.

Warped Tour was hot/fun/annoying/crowded/loud/dehydrating. I met Reggie and the Full Effect guys. They liked my sunglasses and wore them. Pictures later.

I don't want to hear about your luncheon. I don't want to think about the past five months. I don't want to read your name or say it outloud or hear that so-and-so saw you someplace with someone. Or think about how stupid I feel after everything is settled. I don't want to have fond memories. I don't want to be held or told I'm beautiful. I'm not enough.

Thanks for remembering how he hurt my feelings the other day. Thanks for being uber friendly for no fucking reason. Thanks for being such a FUCKING!!! hypocrite for your own personal benefit.

So tomorrow is my birthday. I've only mentioned it like five hundred times, but that's because I feel like I deserve one day when people care. When people call ME. And visit ME. And give me affection. And just remember that I'm a fucking good friend to people who kind of sort of forget that I'm even around because it's summertime and there are better things to do. Because summertime birthdays are inconvenient and so am I.

I wanted this to sound better than it did. Sorry.

I wanted her to tell me that she would never wake me.

EDITED TO SAY:

Look what my sister wrote for me:

Erica, with each day that passes, the wonder grows. It starts with a leaf, a snowflake, a grain of sand. What makes something so tiny and intricate so beautiful? If they've been there the whole time, these examples of beauty, then how come we ignore them, walk by them, go about our day as if they didn't exist? Maybe with each drop of rain, we should be curious. Is it more than just rain? It is. It's always more. Just as there are many words I could use to say how much I love you, how much I want this day to be as special as it possibly could be. But with words, like leaves or snowflakes or sand or rain, it seems as though it takes so many to create something worth seeing and understanding. The truth is that beauty is defined only by how you perceive the world, and you have the potential to perceive it well. It's more than looking outward and learning to appreciate the big picture. Being outside looking in makes you feel detached from it, and that isn't the point. It's about knowing how far it stretches and how even though youre in awe, you're still able to be apart of it. Your heart beats for beauty. And with each tiny day that passes, you grow more beautiful. So I could say that you're my best friend, or that Im jealous of some of the qualities you possess. I could say that I admire you and your determination to succeed and to find the truth within yourself. But it's more than that. Its always more... Because, similar to nature, perception and feelings can't fully be explained; they just are. They aren't small or insignificant if they make up something so large and all-encompassing. Happy birthday. May you never feel too small to do what you want in your life. Nothing is impossible.