kelland

Today I became nostalgic. I have been doing that a lot lately. I remember my life exactly one year ago from today. Let me paint a picture for you.

I was geared towards building lasting friendships. I went over to a stranger's house with one of my newly found friends in order to get more acquainted with his friends and thus become more acquainted with him. I ended up leaving without that friend. It was my first real taste of "drama" coupled with extreme social anxiety. I met some people that night I never thought I would initiate relationships with at a later date. One such person ended up being my first boyfriend. The first thing he said to me on that night was, "You like the Smiths? The Smiths suck." And I thought, "I hope I never have to encounter that person again." But I did encounter that person again, and the rest, well... just happened. It's funny how things work out.

I left the get-together with Matt, my friend's best friend at the time. He moved to California after they graduated high school and began a life of his own. My friend and his girlfriend also took a stab at the Californian lifestyle with Matt, but found it wasn't for them and relocated back to Ohio. Matt is no longer in contact with my friend. It's funny how things work out.

The next day I planned a going-away party for my friend Jessica. At the time we were not very good friends, but I was sad that she was moving and was especially frustrated with the conditions under which her mom made the decision. When my sister and I picked her up for dinner that night, she informed us that she in fact was not moving, and that her mom had changed her mind. Over the past year I have spent more time with Jessica and have become closer to Jessica moreso than anyone else. It's funny how things work out.

The night of the going-away party, Jessica and I went to see my friend's band play at Matt's house. We were only there for a short while because my sister became upset, called Matt's, and demaded I come home because she wanted to spend time with me. At the time I thought it was a very selfish thing to do, and I was angry that I didn't get to see my friend's band play. On the way out, future-boyfriend, who was smoking on the front porch, said, "Bye, Smiths girl." I thought, "Yeah, bye weirdo. Don't talk to me, Smiths-hater." Now I hardly hear from him and we don't talk very often at all. And I don't want it that way. As for my sister, I only see her a few times a month. I wish she were still around to call people's houses and ask that I spend time with her instead.

Sometimes... it's funny how things work out.

I'm going out sleepwalking
Where mute memories start talking
The boss that couldn't help but hurt you
And the pretty thing he made desert you
I'm going out now like a baby
A naive unsatisfiable baby
Grabbing onto whatever's around
For the soaring high or the crushing down
With hidden cracks that don't show
But that constantly just grow
I'm looking for the man that attacked me
While everybody was laughing at me
You beat it in me that part of you
But I'm gonna split us back in two
Tired of living in a cloud
If you're gonna say shit now
You'll do it out loud
It's 2:45 in the morning
And I'm putting myself on warning
For waking up in an unknown place
With a recollection you've half-erased
Looking for somebody's arms to
Wave away past harms
I'm walking out on center circle
The both of you can just fade to black
I'm walking out on center circle
Been pushed away and I'll never go back
-ELLIOT SMITH

Dedicated to the people I've come to know within the past year of my life.