kelland

Dad, please go on to dinner without me. Leave the house and the door unlocked. Because I need this time along to sulk on the couch. To play loud music. To pace the livingroom several times over. To cry to myself and loudly because no one can hear. Please tell me that I don't have to lose hope. Please tell me my efforts were not wasted. Lead and blood and powder cannot erase the massive mistakes I've made, and if you install any sense in me whatsoever, it won't suffice for the nonsense I believe. I don't want to be friends anymore. I don't want to be anything anymore. I don't want to turn on the television to witness the images plastered on the screen. I don't want to answer the telephone and mumble my pain to a deaf ear on the other end. The time for diplomacy is over. I am overexerted and worn deathly thin. And sick and fucking tired of the heart I wear. I've found the time to give you my hear, to offer you support, to encourage and comfort, and I've never asked for anything in exchange. So, in conclusion, I ask that you pretend I actually mean something to you and drop me a line when you've determined that I deserve some compassion in return, considering that yes, Kelland gets sad sometimes. And there are days when Kelland feels like she doesn't have any friends. And there are days when Kelland cries herself to sleep and can't muster the energy to complete her day without breaking apart. There are days when she feels like nothing. And you know this. And on those days, it would be nice to have someone around. That's all.

Edited to add...

"Have You Forgotten?" by Red House Painters.

I can't let you be
'Cause your beauty won't allow me
Wrapped in white sheets
Like an angel from a bedtime story
Shut out what they say
'Cause your friends are fucked up anyway
And when they come around
Somehow they feel up
And you feel down

When we were kids
We hated things our parents did
We listened low
To Casey Kasem's radio show
That's when friends were nice
To think of them just makes you feel nice
The smell of grass in spring
And October leaves cover everything

Have you forgotten...
How to love yourself?

I can't believe all the
Good things that you do for me
Sat back in a chair
Like a princess from a faraway place
Nobody's nice
When you're older
Your heart turns to ice
And shut out what they say
They're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids
We hated things our sisters did
Backyard summer pools
And Christmases were beautiful
And the sentiment
Of colored mirrored ornaments
And the open drapes
Look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

Have you forgotten...
How to love yourself?