Brace yourself. This is long.
I think I have exhausted all stages of the grieving process. For those who beared with it, thanks. For those who... didn't bear with it. Um. I don't know. I think I will use this entry as a time to explain and reflect a little since explanations are desired and such.
I am not going to exploit the things that happened and I'm not going to exploit people who might read this/people involved. As you know, my dad lost his job. Well, he quit, really. Meaning my family survives on the income of my mother. That's not exactly happy and this has been my life since I can remember. He jumps from job to job on a yearly basis almost and my family suffers because of it. As a result I have had to pay for a lot of things myself recently. My sister moved to college and that means it's me and my dad in the house (since my mom's at work). I guess I should say that I cannot live without my sister. She is my almighty counsel and I tell her everything. Not having her here means I don't have that counsel. I don't get it from my parents and I don't get it from anyone else. It's sad to be in the house with him because he always sleeps. And then I go to work and come home and go to bad and there's no room to talk to him. So he just is here. Existing. But doing nothing else. I'm pretty sure he is hurting inside silently. It makes me sad to see him like that. And to see him not wanting to help himself.
What no one knows (no one because I haven't said) is that recently I experienced my first real "break up." I suppose everyone goes through that but I was a virgin to the process being that I haven't had boyfriends in the past, and THUS, that is why I did not handle it so well. Also because I did not have a say in the matter and it was a decision that was made without me. I am not going to lie. I'm still sad about it. I have not exchanged words with the other party since it happened so there really is no closure to the situation and it just kind of... is there. I, being the persistent communicator that I feel I need to be, have a difficult time dealing any time something happens and I can not TALK OR REASON a solution. With the person involved, that is.
I will not say anything negative about him and please do not read this and leave a comment saying something mean about him because I did not write this for that reason. I still care about him and I know what's true and what's not. I know deep down he is a good person and I will continue to believe that even though I am forced to question myself and my worth in his silence. I'm just confused and am feeling a bit like I lost a friend and someone to talk to. I spent over three months enjoying his company. I spent my summer with him and I will always remember that. But I am also pretty unnerved by it, and being that it came with the other things going on in my life right now, I was pretty messed up. When I sy messed up I mean I got up for school 10 minutes before I was to go and went in the same clothes and did not feel the need to bathe or comb my hair or eat or do much of anything. And I cried. A lot. I guess I have to laugh about it now because I am so very pathetic. I just hope a good friendship at the least can come out of this because I would be sincerely hurt if I never heard from this person again. That is all I'm saying on the matter because, as I said, I don't want to exploit a personal matter. But there are people on here who care about me and who I care about enough to let know what is going on with me.
One thing you should know about me: when someone upsets me, I don't go home and call my friends and whine and say bad things about whatever happened like most people do. I talk to the person involved. And that's really the only person I want to talk to. If I can't, then I get my feelings out by writing. And I wrote here about how I felt because I shut my site down for the time being. So, that's the reason for the blurbs and writing and pictures of bloody ankles and all that. I did not "cut myself" on purpose. I do not intend on doing so being that I have a fear of sharp objects. But, that blood was real, and I was really bleeding. By accident, mind you. But I took the opportunity to take pictures of how I felt, and I must say, the results were good. Because I feel like they portray how I felt at that time on that day. If you think they suck then that's OK too. I didn't take them for people to say they were "cool" or anything.
I will say that what I write is depressing. The last four entries have contained sad material. The last four. The entire journal is nowhere near complete and utter despondency. Just go and read. My poetry is downright morbid, so be glad I don't put that stuff in here. It's not about kittens and sunsets. Maybe if I had kittens and sunsets to write about, I would. But I don't. I have a hurt heart and confused state of mind. So I write about what I know and that is what I know. At times we all feel like we don't have friends. At times we all feel like we're ugly. At times we get sad because we can't go out and be happy when we try. And at times we are depressing people. I write at those times. I write EVERY one of those times. Sorry it's gruelling but if you don't like reading that sort of thing, then please don't. It is not for everyone. And don't take everything I write LITERALLY. People, I write about violent things for example. I have never hurt anyone and I have never been compelled to physically hurt anyone, either.
Recently I have experienced a loss of friends due to my personal convictions and lifestyle. I have experienced a loss of friends because of the very things I write, not here, but at journals over the years I have logged on the internet I guess that is the risk I run. I have one friend whom I feel is comfortable with me, and that's Jessica, and she accepts me. So when I say I don't have friends, I don't really mean none. I have her. But it's true that I have also lost a lot friends as well. Which tends to make someone feel alone.
I will say that at the time I feel ugly because I'm going through a phase where I seem to be very unhappy with the way people perceive me. I have low self-esteem. That's something only I can help. And it's not like I'm not trying.
So I guess my problem is this: It is not that I am a depressing person. It is that I simply cannot deal with certain things. I don't deal WELL, I should say. But I get through it. A few years ago I realized this about myself when I almost hit a girl at lunch for saying "no guy would ever want you." Ha ha. It was in 8th grade and I guess 8th graders say such things and some 8th graders feel like hitting other 8th graders for saying them. Before that, I wouldn't have let it bother me that much. But from that day forward, I let it bother me. So there you go. I'm admitting it now. I can't deal with things well. And I can admit it because I know it's true and you know it's true, too. I get really upset really easily. And generally I stay upset until a change occurs. As of now no change has occurred.
I cannot change what anyone thinks of me and I know a lot of people don't like me because of the things I write. But in person, I do not carry out the things I write. I smile around people and joke with them and am pretty friendly. I have smiled and joked my way through a lot of pain and I've done it for the past week. People who see me, like SEE me on a daily basis know this is true. People who only know me from the journals I write do not. No one is one person. Everyone is many people. We're all many people. We all have many sides to us. I am not one-demensional. I would make a general statement that aside from the people that only know me from what I write (because most of it is pretty unhappy) I am liked by my peers. They talk to me about music, religion, politics, and sex because they know they can. I'm pretty well-known to be extremely liberal in the general sense of the word. I do not think people look at me and say, "gee, that girl is pretty fucking sad." Because they know that is not completely true. Everyone has a dark side. I choose to expose it when it rears it's head while others don't.
You want me to focus on something positive? I am a person who fucking gives a shit and who cares about you when you probably hate my guts -- you will not find many people like that in your life, I can guarantee you. I am a person who does goofy voices to make people laugh. I am a person who wears orange Chuck Taylors with green socks and feels happy about it. I am a person who makes mixed tapes and burnt CDs for a few select special people. I am a person who wrote this to make myself feel better. I am a person who wrote this in defense of something written about me. Sorry, I had to say it.
Having wrote this, I hope you can see that all is not HOPELESS. I have done stupid things in my life. Recently I have. It's not an easy thing to talk about but I will be frank and say I have never succeeding in killing myself only because I know that things change. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them. Those two things I guess make me pretty optimistic. I get messed up and then I learn to feel better. And today, Friday, September third two thousand and four, I am learning to feel better. So there ya go.
Kelland, aka Erica, is not a big depressing puddle of crap.
In the words of Blur, "it's alright, it's just tight."
I think I have exhausted all stages of the grieving process. For those who beared with it, thanks. For those who... didn't bear with it. Um. I don't know. I think I will use this entry as a time to explain and reflect a little since explanations are desired and such.
I am not going to exploit the things that happened and I'm not going to exploit people who might read this/people involved. As you know, my dad lost his job. Well, he quit, really. Meaning my family survives on the income of my mother. That's not exactly happy and this has been my life since I can remember. He jumps from job to job on a yearly basis almost and my family suffers because of it. As a result I have had to pay for a lot of things myself recently. My sister moved to college and that means it's me and my dad in the house (since my mom's at work). I guess I should say that I cannot live without my sister. She is my almighty counsel and I tell her everything. Not having her here means I don't have that counsel. I don't get it from my parents and I don't get it from anyone else. It's sad to be in the house with him because he always sleeps. And then I go to work and come home and go to bad and there's no room to talk to him. So he just is here. Existing. But doing nothing else. I'm pretty sure he is hurting inside silently. It makes me sad to see him like that. And to see him not wanting to help himself.
What no one knows (no one because I haven't said) is that recently I experienced my first real "break up." I suppose everyone goes through that but I was a virgin to the process being that I haven't had boyfriends in the past, and THUS, that is why I did not handle it so well. Also because I did not have a say in the matter and it was a decision that was made without me. I am not going to lie. I'm still sad about it. I have not exchanged words with the other party since it happened so there really is no closure to the situation and it just kind of... is there. I, being the persistent communicator that I feel I need to be, have a difficult time dealing any time something happens and I can not TALK OR REASON a solution. With the person involved, that is.
I will not say anything negative about him and please do not read this and leave a comment saying something mean about him because I did not write this for that reason. I still care about him and I know what's true and what's not. I know deep down he is a good person and I will continue to believe that even though I am forced to question myself and my worth in his silence. I'm just confused and am feeling a bit like I lost a friend and someone to talk to. I spent over three months enjoying his company. I spent my summer with him and I will always remember that. But I am also pretty unnerved by it, and being that it came with the other things going on in my life right now, I was pretty messed up. When I sy messed up I mean I got up for school 10 minutes before I was to go and went in the same clothes and did not feel the need to bathe or comb my hair or eat or do much of anything. And I cried. A lot. I guess I have to laugh about it now because I am so very pathetic. I just hope a good friendship at the least can come out of this because I would be sincerely hurt if I never heard from this person again. That is all I'm saying on the matter because, as I said, I don't want to exploit a personal matter. But there are people on here who care about me and who I care about enough to let know what is going on with me.
One thing you should know about me: when someone upsets me, I don't go home and call my friends and whine and say bad things about whatever happened like most people do. I talk to the person involved. And that's really the only person I want to talk to. If I can't, then I get my feelings out by writing. And I wrote here about how I felt because I shut my site down for the time being. So, that's the reason for the blurbs and writing and pictures of bloody ankles and all that. I did not "cut myself" on purpose. I do not intend on doing so being that I have a fear of sharp objects. But, that blood was real, and I was really bleeding. By accident, mind you. But I took the opportunity to take pictures of how I felt, and I must say, the results were good. Because I feel like they portray how I felt at that time on that day. If you think they suck then that's OK too. I didn't take them for people to say they were "cool" or anything.
I will say that what I write is depressing. The last four entries have contained sad material. The last four. The entire journal is nowhere near complete and utter despondency. Just go and read. My poetry is downright morbid, so be glad I don't put that stuff in here. It's not about kittens and sunsets. Maybe if I had kittens and sunsets to write about, I would. But I don't. I have a hurt heart and confused state of mind. So I write about what I know and that is what I know. At times we all feel like we don't have friends. At times we all feel like we're ugly. At times we get sad because we can't go out and be happy when we try. And at times we are depressing people. I write at those times. I write EVERY one of those times. Sorry it's gruelling but if you don't like reading that sort of thing, then please don't. It is not for everyone. And don't take everything I write LITERALLY. People, I write about violent things for example. I have never hurt anyone and I have never been compelled to physically hurt anyone, either.
Recently I have experienced a loss of friends due to my personal convictions and lifestyle. I have experienced a loss of friends because of the very things I write, not here, but at journals over the years I have logged on the internet I guess that is the risk I run. I have one friend whom I feel is comfortable with me, and that's Jessica, and she accepts me. So when I say I don't have friends, I don't really mean none. I have her. But it's true that I have also lost a lot friends as well. Which tends to make someone feel alone.
I will say that at the time I feel ugly because I'm going through a phase where I seem to be very unhappy with the way people perceive me. I have low self-esteem. That's something only I can help. And it's not like I'm not trying.
So I guess my problem is this: It is not that I am a depressing person. It is that I simply cannot deal with certain things. I don't deal WELL, I should say. But I get through it. A few years ago I realized this about myself when I almost hit a girl at lunch for saying "no guy would ever want you." Ha ha. It was in 8th grade and I guess 8th graders say such things and some 8th graders feel like hitting other 8th graders for saying them. Before that, I wouldn't have let it bother me that much. But from that day forward, I let it bother me. So there you go. I'm admitting it now. I can't deal with things well. And I can admit it because I know it's true and you know it's true, too. I get really upset really easily. And generally I stay upset until a change occurs. As of now no change has occurred.
I cannot change what anyone thinks of me and I know a lot of people don't like me because of the things I write. But in person, I do not carry out the things I write. I smile around people and joke with them and am pretty friendly. I have smiled and joked my way through a lot of pain and I've done it for the past week. People who see me, like SEE me on a daily basis know this is true. People who only know me from the journals I write do not. No one is one person. Everyone is many people. We're all many people. We all have many sides to us. I am not one-demensional. I would make a general statement that aside from the people that only know me from what I write (because most of it is pretty unhappy) I am liked by my peers. They talk to me about music, religion, politics, and sex because they know they can. I'm pretty well-known to be extremely liberal in the general sense of the word. I do not think people look at me and say, "gee, that girl is pretty fucking sad." Because they know that is not completely true. Everyone has a dark side. I choose to expose it when it rears it's head while others don't.
You want me to focus on something positive? I am a person who fucking gives a shit and who cares about you when you probably hate my guts -- you will not find many people like that in your life, I can guarantee you. I am a person who does goofy voices to make people laugh. I am a person who wears orange Chuck Taylors with green socks and feels happy about it. I am a person who makes mixed tapes and burnt CDs for a few select special people. I am a person who wrote this to make myself feel better. I am a person who wrote this in defense of something written about me. Sorry, I had to say it.
Having wrote this, I hope you can see that all is not HOPELESS. I have done stupid things in my life. Recently I have. It's not an easy thing to talk about but I will be frank and say I have never succeeding in killing myself only because I know that things change. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them. Those two things I guess make me pretty optimistic. I get messed up and then I learn to feel better. And today, Friday, September third two thousand and four, I am learning to feel better. So there ya go.
Kelland, aka Erica, is not a big depressing puddle of crap.
In the words of Blur, "it's alright, it's just tight."
VIEW 24 of 24 COMMENTS
Now I just read your entry and I must say, you've managed to capture your experiences in a most poigniant(sp?) way. I believe I actually have *some* idea of what you're going through and I think you're handling it all as well as can be expected. I assume you're 19-22-ish and that would explain the guy scenario. Boys ( and I say that specifically ) just don't like confrontation or 'dealing' at that age ( more like that maturity level...the link between age/maturity varies wildly from person to person it seems ) and will tend to prefer a clean, 'no explanation given' break up as it is the easiest on them. Of course, that sucks for the other person and leaves a bunch of unanswered questions. Compund that with this being your first break up and wham!, it's sucksville. I can tell you it stops hurting after a while, and years from now, regardless of the outcome, you'll look back and just kind of shake your head...not in anger or disgust, but in a mildly ammused form of reflection. You'll see.
In the meantime, chin up buttercup. Try and only worry about the things you can control and take the rest as it comes. Family, friends and relationships all have aspects to them that you will never be able to fully exert control over or even fully understand. BUT, with age and experience will come wisdom and the 'tools' to make you better at handling them when things are bad. I hope this all doesn't sound preachy as it's not meant to be at all, nor am I passing judgement on the boy involved. Just my .02.
Edited to say: haha, I just read the "chin up, buttercup." (above) That's the cutest/funniest thing I've read all day so I will repeat it: chin up, buttercup.
[Edited on Sep 05, 2004 8:24PM]