kelland

I have so much to say that it might be, dare I say, overwhelming.

I'm going to start with Thursday night, the most bizarre night at work. Ever.

I think I'm going to cry just writing about this.

Miah quit.

Yes, everyone expected me, and still expects me, to cheer in glory. To be happy and relieved. I am neither. The night was already slightly strange, but I was in a good mood, and I treated Miah well and he treated me well. Towards the end of the night, he was called into the office to have a talk with the owners, Connie and Breck. After about 30 minutes, he came out of the office holding several paychecks. He looked very unhappy and said, "Well, it was good working with you guys... I guess I'll see you later." Then he started for the door and stopped to hug Meredith. She then followed him to the door and found out that he quit. I would've gone after him. I would've asked. But I didn't feel as though it was my place to inquire. He told her it was because Connie and Breck were taking him off of salary and putting him back on hourly wage because he wasn't working enough hours (or something to that effect). Jeremiah has worked as a manager for Baker's for over three years. It just left me feeling very sad and confused.

I know that I have repeated over and over how I wanted Miah to disappear. How I was tired of feeling the effects of his overall shitty conduct. But I wanted to resolve our differences and, overall, I have always enjoyed working with Miah. I have worked there almost a year, and 80% of the time I've worked with Miah.

Friday afternoon I was at the coffee shop with Sara and Shay and Shannon when I received a text message from Miah. When I woke up that day, I took a risk and sent him a message just asking if he was alright. He responded saying that he was fine, thanking me for the concern, and asking how I was. I responded and in an instant, my phone rang. It was Meredith. She started to tell me new information she had learned regarding the Miah situation... the information she had learned through the boss's daughter. And this is where my heart starts to break.

Apparently Breck and Connie took Miah aside to simply inform him of some new manager policies and to tell him that the other managers were also going to be put on salary. Miah thought this was unfair and lashed out, saying that basically they were trying to give him a pay cut. Then Breck brought up an issue that Connie and Breck have wanted to address for quite some time. I learned that Miah has a problem with cocaine. He has been caught on numerous occasions snorting cocaine at work, and he has even come in with debris on his mustache. When Breck mentioned this, Miah became even more irate, denying everything. He then gave them his two week's notice, but Breck told him he was done, and to just leave. Shocked and upset, I asked Meredith how long this habit has existed. Evidently, it has been going on for awhile. In a matter of days, his paychecks are gone. I can confirm that he has been shifty and moody at work. I can confirm that he displays all of the traits of a drug addict.

I was sitting by the window talking to Meredith about all of this (I left my table of friends/sister so I could have some quiet privacy), when all of sudden, Miah comes walking down the sidewalk, gazing at me through the window. Immediately I hang up with Meredith. Miah enters the coffee shop and comes up to me, and I inquire about the situation the night before (pretending, of course, that I know nothing). He told me that he quit because he was getting a pay cut, but he also said, "You know, I'm guilty of a few things... I'm not going to deny it. I told them... it doesn't matter what drugs I use, I'm still the best manager there." So basically, I didn't even have to ask. Miah continued to talk to me, and I just sat and sadly nodded. He was fidgeting and acting like he wanted to sit down, but he didn't. It was the longest conversation I've had with the man in a long time.

At the end of it, he asked if he could have a hug. We hugged and I told him to call me anytime he wanted to talk or if he needed anything... I don't know why I said that. Because my heart is bigger than my sense of judgment. He thanked me. Then I started to say I was sorry. Sorry that things had to be this way, and mostly, sorry for the good friendship that we let disintegrate and rot, but he didn't let me finish. He stopped me, and he told me not to be sorry.

Before saying goodbye, he said, "Everything happens for a reason."

I could say more. I could write an entire novel. I could tell you how I am so fucking scared for him. How being scared doesn't do anything. How I can sit around and feel bad/sad, but those feelings are never going to make a person like Jeremiah get help or change. I could tell you how work will never be the same, and how difficult it will be knowing that he's never coming back. I could beat myself up about it every day, every hour of the day, but then I would cripple myself. I would drag myself into his disaster. I would become part of the disaster. It would wreak havoc on my heart and my peace of mind, much more than it already does.

All I can say for now is that I hope he finds his way.

Later on Friday, I went over to Nevin's boss's house. Nevin's boss is named Tracy. He is a swell guy with a swell wife and swell friends, all of which were very kind and gracious to me. I met and exchanged words with some very beautiful people, and I left feeling enlightened and connected. It made me feel like sparkle and light and God could exist in the same place that bleak young drug addicts (who only really want a hug) exist. It made me wish that some people could see the same beauty and hope that I see so that they don't have to look for it in the wrong places. It made me want to hug Miah even tighter. "Sorry" isn't ever going to be the right word.

Saturday was my interview at OU. It was tedious. My body hurt from smiling and nodding and gesturing so much. At the end of the day, I was so tired of my own voice from explaining each and every photo as best I could. Never in my life have I talked so much about myself. I sort of changed my mind about what track I want to take in the visual communication field; I decided that I would much rather pursue commercial photography over photojournalism. I just think it fits my personality and coincides with my interests. So there you go. It will be awhile before I hear back from the college as to whether or not I got accepted to the program. Fingers crossed.

After that fiasco, I went to Mansfield with my sister to see Damein's new band play. We ended up missing their entire set because we got home so late from OU (it's three hours away from my town). I was disappointed, but the evening wasn't a complete bust because Damein played bass guitar for another band during a cover, so I got to see him rock out. The rest of the bands blew. I hate whiney little boys who think that screaming through a set of six songs and talking about meaningless shit in-between is an acceptable form of entertainment.

So, I'm going to listen to the rest of this Madonna album and go to bed.

Today is Michael Hutchence's birthday. He would be 46 years young. Please listen to an INXS song and remember that he was a beautiful, talented, charming, honest soul who simply lost his way and became a victim of his own self-doubt... I'm finally beginning to understand what that really means.