Everyday I am grateful that I inherited great will power. I look in the mirror and try to imagine what my life would be like if I started using drugs when I became depressed in the 8th grade. I try to imagine what my peace of mind would be like after being unable to say no to sex not once but many times. I try to imagine myself as an addict, and what a terrible mess I know I would make of myself. I have very destructive tendencies. I am destructive emotionally. I am destructive with my belongings. I am destructive about what I choose to say or commit to paper. During simple conversation with people, I tear up pieces of paper, styrofoam cups, napkins, anything in reach to keep myself occupied. I'm lucky that I have not let myself destruct.
I hate how I get sometimes. Yesterday I hung out with Damein and Jessica. We had Chinese and went window shopping at the mall and various other stores. I was quite elated during the course of the evening. It was fun. But then I came home and felt like shit. I felt sad and agitated and frustrated. I completely forgot about the previous four hours of my evening. I just focused on one little thing that was bothering me. I discover that I do this quite often... like, every day. I experience periods in the day when I am very silly and giddy and fun to be around. I am laughing. I am on cloud nine. Then something brings me down, usually to the point where I am very unpleasant to be around. I'd like to not think I have some form of bipolar disorder, but I have always battled some form of mood disorder, and I'm just wondering if I should get this pattern of behavior further analyzed. I need to know what the matter is.
I know that a lot of people look at me and think I am ungrateful or whiney or simply not trying to help myself, but that is untrue. I have tried to help myself. I have worked very hard during the course of my lifetime so that I can have some accessible form of happiness, whether it is financial, academic, or social success. I have worked hard in school and avoided my feelings of disparity and loneliness and apathy. I have struggled, but I have kept my job and I have kept my high grades. I have tried with all my might not to let my personal feelings affect my overall performance as a student, as a friend, as a person... I know that it has at times. I know I have been snappy and unfriendly to people that I love and that truly care about me. I know that I have done and said stupid things whilst wallowing. Please know that I am not a miserable person. I'm really not. I try so hard everyday to be a pleasant, good person for everyone, including myself. I try not to let every little thing that disheartens me show on the outside. It's not as easy as it may seem. I am trying more than I'm not trying.
Well... anyway.
I hate misunderstandings. I hate it when people misconstrue things and words get blown out of proportion. I hate how I am always painted as the dependent, needy, confused half of the scenario. I was so delighted at how this friendship was unfolding after such a period of nothingness, and now I feel like it's ruined. I feel like my intentions are fuzzy and fucked-up. I feel like I don't even know how to start a conversation now or suggest an activity. Because it doesn't come naturally, anymore. It's tainted. The entire fucking wholesomeness of this is tainted. You will never really know what's true because two truths have been presented, and my truth isn't any truer than another. That's why I am short, and why I don't want to talk, and why I am generally bothered.
On a positive note, I have very funny pictures from last night to share the next time I decide to add to this here journal of mine. But until then, I guess you'll just have to paint a vulgar picture, as Morrissey might say.
One of my more notable talents is my ability to compile a great mixed CD. That is something that continually makes me feel better, at least for a minute or more.
Something else that makes me happy is the fact that I do write here so often. I am grateful that I have a history documented somewhere in some form. I'm grateful that I take so many pictures whenever I go out with friends... I always have those to look at whenever I need reassurance. I'm grateful that I have an outlet to express myself, and that I take advantage of it.
I would like a place I could call my own. Have a conversation on the telephone. Wake up everyday, that would be a start. I would not complain of my wounded heart.
- "Regret" by New Order.
I hate how I get sometimes. Yesterday I hung out with Damein and Jessica. We had Chinese and went window shopping at the mall and various other stores. I was quite elated during the course of the evening. It was fun. But then I came home and felt like shit. I felt sad and agitated and frustrated. I completely forgot about the previous four hours of my evening. I just focused on one little thing that was bothering me. I discover that I do this quite often... like, every day. I experience periods in the day when I am very silly and giddy and fun to be around. I am laughing. I am on cloud nine. Then something brings me down, usually to the point where I am very unpleasant to be around. I'd like to not think I have some form of bipolar disorder, but I have always battled some form of mood disorder, and I'm just wondering if I should get this pattern of behavior further analyzed. I need to know what the matter is.
I know that a lot of people look at me and think I am ungrateful or whiney or simply not trying to help myself, but that is untrue. I have tried to help myself. I have worked very hard during the course of my lifetime so that I can have some accessible form of happiness, whether it is financial, academic, or social success. I have worked hard in school and avoided my feelings of disparity and loneliness and apathy. I have struggled, but I have kept my job and I have kept my high grades. I have tried with all my might not to let my personal feelings affect my overall performance as a student, as a friend, as a person... I know that it has at times. I know I have been snappy and unfriendly to people that I love and that truly care about me. I know that I have done and said stupid things whilst wallowing. Please know that I am not a miserable person. I'm really not. I try so hard everyday to be a pleasant, good person for everyone, including myself. I try not to let every little thing that disheartens me show on the outside. It's not as easy as it may seem. I am trying more than I'm not trying.
Well... anyway.
I hate misunderstandings. I hate it when people misconstrue things and words get blown out of proportion. I hate how I am always painted as the dependent, needy, confused half of the scenario. I was so delighted at how this friendship was unfolding after such a period of nothingness, and now I feel like it's ruined. I feel like my intentions are fuzzy and fucked-up. I feel like I don't even know how to start a conversation now or suggest an activity. Because it doesn't come naturally, anymore. It's tainted. The entire fucking wholesomeness of this is tainted. You will never really know what's true because two truths have been presented, and my truth isn't any truer than another. That's why I am short, and why I don't want to talk, and why I am generally bothered.
On a positive note, I have very funny pictures from last night to share the next time I decide to add to this here journal of mine. But until then, I guess you'll just have to paint a vulgar picture, as Morrissey might say.
One of my more notable talents is my ability to compile a great mixed CD. That is something that continually makes me feel better, at least for a minute or more.
Something else that makes me happy is the fact that I do write here so often. I am grateful that I have a history documented somewhere in some form. I'm grateful that I take so many pictures whenever I go out with friends... I always have those to look at whenever I need reassurance. I'm grateful that I have an outlet to express myself, and that I take advantage of it.
I would like a place I could call my own. Have a conversation on the telephone. Wake up everyday, that would be a start. I would not complain of my wounded heart.
- "Regret" by New Order.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
Elegia as soundtrack
You seem seriously self-aware...that can be a double edge sword if you see things in yourself you don't like or approve of.
fwiw, once I embraced my arrogant asshole ways for what they were, they faded. Not completely, they are still part of who I am. But now the other qualities that I'd rather exude are more prominent, and it's nice to like me more every morning in the mirror. I've worked in mental health for many years-- almost always there are real live, dealable reasons that people develop "mood disorders" and there as many different ways to deal as there are people... what you describe *could* be a number of different things...a quick google could help put you at ease
gaahh another huge post--sorry
WoW = world of warcraft
hee hee, sorry!