"When are you gonna come down? When are you going to land? I should have stayed on the farm. I should have listened to my old man. You know you can't hold me forever. I didn't sign up with you. I'm not a present for your friends to open. This boy's too young to be singing the blues. So goodbye yellow brick road. Where the dogs of society howl. You can't plant me in your penthouse. I'm going back to my plough. Back to the howling old owl in the woods. Hunting the horny back toad. Oh, I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road. What do you think you'll do then? I bet that'll shoot down your plane. It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again. Maybe you'll get a replacement. There's plenty like me to be found. Mongrels who ain't got a penny sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground..." - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.
Time has passed and I haven't really said anything significant here. I have posted some vague explanations, but I haven't actually explained much. My year so far has been a strange mix of familiarity and unfamiliarity.
Let me begin by saying that I have met deadlines lately that have made me feel good. I submitted two scholarship applications this week. I am all ready for my interview at OU next weekend, and I have an impressive array of photographs to share. I ended my first semester with straight As, I don't have to take exams, and I have the next nine days off. During a quiz team tournament last night, I contributed many respectable answers and our team won five of the six matches. I registered for the ACT yet again against my will because, A.) I am one sub score point away from having a 30 composite, and, B.) a 30 composite means free tuition at OU. I suppose I would be an idiot for not trying again to at least see what might happen. If I don't get a 30, I won't beat myself up about it.
I have not been getting angry at work. I have been friendly to Miah. I have stopped paying attention to my feelings regarding that matter. I attempted to talk to him last Friday about everything to start feeling better about the situation. He basically attacked me, saying I have a bad attitude, I am unpleasant to talk to, and, I quote, "I am tired of your shit." Then he said he had no idea why we couldn't be friends, and basically, I am the reason we aren't. Whatever. I am numb to this. I find it slightly pathetic that his girlfriend feels the need to come in the damn restaurant so often and call him constantly while he's working. Apparently last night she called him to ask him for a word to a crossword puzzle she was doing in the newspaper. And I also heard that she calls other co-workers' cell phones (co-workers that she doesn't really know, I suppose) to leave abstract messages asking him/her if he/she knows where Jeremiah is. Um. That's more than slightly pathetic. End of rant.
Sara bought me Willy Wonka sunglasses as a belated Christmas present. The greatest.
I have been trying to eat more lately to curb these terrible headaches I kept getting. It seems to be working for now. I really should get more exercise. I know that I would feel much better physically and emotionally. But who has time to exercise? What with all the scholarship shit and college shit and school shit and work shit and family shit, certainly not Kelland. Certainly not.
My kitty Meeko is showing some progress. His breathing has improved, but the medication he must take has depleted his appetite almost entirely, and he is rail thin. I shelled out my last $20 yesterday so he could get some NutriCal (food substitute, nutrient-rich, pasty weird stuff). I hope that he fully recovers. He is my baby. Every morning I wake up and locate him as soon as I can to see if he is okay. It wrenches.
I have been listening to Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road on cassette in my car lately. That is probably my favorite album of all-time, next to INXS's The Swing. I remember when my dad gave that cassette to Shannon and me when we were little because we listened to it so much on our boom boxes that he got tired of always lending it out.
I feel really ugly lately. My skin is breaking out. My hair never looks very good. It's a little disheartening.
I have been socially engaged recently such as an evening with Matthew last Friday after work, a concert last Saturday (I attended with friends included my dear Damein), a visit with my beloved Mr. Burke (8th grade teacher now turned assistant principal), and a very long conversation with Brad (one of my friends from media class/work-until-he-got-fired last year) tonight after work. But in every instance, I have felt aside from myself, one way or the other, one degree more or less. I have felt too tired and unmotivated. I have felt like I am intrusive. I say too much. I am a burden. I feel like people just want things from me. They don't really care how my day was. They just need me to go to something or give them something. Then when I leave they can forget that I was standing in front of them or talking to them two seconds before.
I can't really explain. It's just my paranoia amplified beyond practical reasoning. That's me. I am my own paradox of sweet and bitter and smart and stupid and beautiful and ugly and wanted and ultimately unwanted and addicted and sober.
Time has passed and I haven't really said anything significant here. I have posted some vague explanations, but I haven't actually explained much. My year so far has been a strange mix of familiarity and unfamiliarity.
Let me begin by saying that I have met deadlines lately that have made me feel good. I submitted two scholarship applications this week. I am all ready for my interview at OU next weekend, and I have an impressive array of photographs to share. I ended my first semester with straight As, I don't have to take exams, and I have the next nine days off. During a quiz team tournament last night, I contributed many respectable answers and our team won five of the six matches. I registered for the ACT yet again against my will because, A.) I am one sub score point away from having a 30 composite, and, B.) a 30 composite means free tuition at OU. I suppose I would be an idiot for not trying again to at least see what might happen. If I don't get a 30, I won't beat myself up about it.
I have not been getting angry at work. I have been friendly to Miah. I have stopped paying attention to my feelings regarding that matter. I attempted to talk to him last Friday about everything to start feeling better about the situation. He basically attacked me, saying I have a bad attitude, I am unpleasant to talk to, and, I quote, "I am tired of your shit." Then he said he had no idea why we couldn't be friends, and basically, I am the reason we aren't. Whatever. I am numb to this. I find it slightly pathetic that his girlfriend feels the need to come in the damn restaurant so often and call him constantly while he's working. Apparently last night she called him to ask him for a word to a crossword puzzle she was doing in the newspaper. And I also heard that she calls other co-workers' cell phones (co-workers that she doesn't really know, I suppose) to leave abstract messages asking him/her if he/she knows where Jeremiah is. Um. That's more than slightly pathetic. End of rant.
Sara bought me Willy Wonka sunglasses as a belated Christmas present. The greatest.
I have been trying to eat more lately to curb these terrible headaches I kept getting. It seems to be working for now. I really should get more exercise. I know that I would feel much better physically and emotionally. But who has time to exercise? What with all the scholarship shit and college shit and school shit and work shit and family shit, certainly not Kelland. Certainly not.
My kitty Meeko is showing some progress. His breathing has improved, but the medication he must take has depleted his appetite almost entirely, and he is rail thin. I shelled out my last $20 yesterday so he could get some NutriCal (food substitute, nutrient-rich, pasty weird stuff). I hope that he fully recovers. He is my baby. Every morning I wake up and locate him as soon as I can to see if he is okay. It wrenches.
I have been listening to Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road on cassette in my car lately. That is probably my favorite album of all-time, next to INXS's The Swing. I remember when my dad gave that cassette to Shannon and me when we were little because we listened to it so much on our boom boxes that he got tired of always lending it out.
I feel really ugly lately. My skin is breaking out. My hair never looks very good. It's a little disheartening.
I have been socially engaged recently such as an evening with Matthew last Friday after work, a concert last Saturday (I attended with friends included my dear Damein), a visit with my beloved Mr. Burke (8th grade teacher now turned assistant principal), and a very long conversation with Brad (one of my friends from media class/work-until-he-got-fired last year) tonight after work. But in every instance, I have felt aside from myself, one way or the other, one degree more or less. I have felt too tired and unmotivated. I have felt like I am intrusive. I say too much. I am a burden. I feel like people just want things from me. They don't really care how my day was. They just need me to go to something or give them something. Then when I leave they can forget that I was standing in front of them or talking to them two seconds before.
I can't really explain. It's just my paranoia amplified beyond practical reasoning. That's me. I am my own paradox of sweet and bitter and smart and stupid and beautiful and ugly and wanted and ultimately unwanted and addicted and sober.
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
I love you for quoting Elton John, he is my secret musical love. I also find it very hard to imagine you could look ugly but I know the feeling sometimes everything feels off kilter, it will change.
i forgot i took my mom to see elton john a few years ago when he was doing a sorta unplugged solo thing. he playe yellow brick road and it was awesome.