kelland

I sat here and thought about what I really wanted to say. I didn't sit for long. I don't have much. Just the same ol' same ol', nothing you can say or do will ever make things better, I am so tired of feeling this way, people disappoint me, blah blah blah. I don't understand why you haven't already left. No one wants to read this bullshit. Grow up. Stop the fucking whining. Why can't you be happy like everyone else? Let me tell you -- everyone else isn't happy either. They just fail to acknowledge it. I see it leaking into every crack of my life. I'm not going to ignore it, put on a happy face and smile my fucking way through the day. Writing this doesn't always help but it's better than sitting and thinking.

For the past week, I have not been nice to Miah at work. He has made jokes and acted goofy and playfully pushed me or tapped me or attempted to get my attention. I have not responded. The other night at work, Meredith walked past me (as I was sitting at the front desk) and Miah followed her. When she got back into the kitchen, she said to Miah, "I wish I could make Erica happy." He said, "Me too." She said, "Do you know what's the matter with her?" He said, "I didn't know there was anything the matter." Fucking rich. Then he told Meredith that I hate him. Then in a little while he changed his mind and reported back: "Nevermind, I know she doesn't hate me." If you want to know, I don't know, you might try, uh, FUCKING ASKING ME WHAT'S WRONG. I hate it when people discuss my overall well-being behind my back without ever questioning me personally to see what the problem really is. Friday night we were supposed to finish our "talk" about things. But we didn't. And then last night he said we would talk. And we didn't. I am so tired of waiting around for this finalization. He was the one who expressed he wanted to finish talking about shit with me, and he has avoided the issue and made no effort. I think it's time for me to face the glaring, ugly truth: He wanted me for sex. He knew I wouldn't have sex with him. He figured that out and decided he didn't want to entertain me anymore. He used the "I want to be your friend" line so he wouldn't seem like a complete fuckface when he cut me off. He really doesn't want to be my friend, though.

This is the sort of thing Kelland should walk away from stronger and better as a person. I have a feeling I won't. I will be weaker. I will feel worse about myself. I will feel smaller. I have felt those things. I do right now.

I don't ask a lot of my friends. In fact, I ask little. I don't call them up often for help with homework. I don't ask them for rides anymore. I don't request that we hang out a certain amount of time every week. I don't tell them that they can't drink or go to party at some random asshole's house. I dont tell them that it really disappoints me. I don't tell them that they are too close-minded and they sometimes offend me with their statements about the world. I don't tell them that when they brag about their ACT score, they are really hurting my feelings. I don't tell them that when I don't hear from them in a month and a half, they are really hurting my feelings. I try to fulfill my expectations. I try to be a shoulder to cry on -- a support unit. I buy them gifts on their designated days of birth. I include them in my ventures. I try to remind them that they are beautiful. That they mean so much to me. But as a friend, I don't ask for a lot. Maybe that is why I often don't get a lot back.

I don't think people see that I am truly a lonely person that craves an understandable amount of affection. Friend A is getting married in July. She and her boyfriend have been together for over a year. She is very happy with him and he with her. They talk everyday. She has that. Friend B has moved from boyfriend to boyfriend, not single for more than a few months, since the 8th grade. She has no concept of what it's like to be alone. She has always had someone. Friend C craves romance and intimacy and has many who find her appealing in these senses. She is experiencing an entangled affair right now, but the other person at least visits her at times and calls her at times and I do believe this person genuinely feels something for her. And then there's me. I crave some affection, too. It's sad that I felt the need to give in and get that from a person that really could give a shit about me. I don't have a boyfriend. I've had one boyfriend, one real boyfriend, my entire life, and sometimes I really don't think that was a relationship either. I don't have a potential boyfriend in mind. I don't have an individual that keeps me guessing, even. I am not saying that that is of huge importance in life. But it is a bit disheartening. And I really think that people who have these things cannot see how depressing it is for a person who has had very little. People who have had multiple relationships or one very long enduring relationship cannot relate to someone who hasn't had either simply because they can't subtract factors in attempt to capture merely the "feeling" of being alone. It's more than a feeling. It's not the same kind of alone. God, I am going on about this too much.

My hands ache and I am cold and I have way too much on my plate today. So I'll leave you these thoughts to ponder.