kelland

Jeremiah and I got into a fight. I went over to his place on Sunday. We had planned to hang out earlier in the week. He called me earlier that very day to make sure the plans were still active. I called him at around six and arrived at his place at six-oh-five. And he told he that he couldn't hang out for long (more than hour) because he wanted to go to Marion. Didn't tell me that earlier in the day. Didn't tell me that five minutes before I got to his apartment. Waited until I was there. Flakey fucking rude shit. Angry that he made last minute plans conflicting with our predetermined plans, we got into a small argument. Then the small argument transformed into me getting hurt. He said he didn't want to attach a label to us because he didn't want me to "start expecting things of him." He said he was spontaneous. He said that he wanted to just be friends. Two weeks ago he wanted to be "friends" so much that he fondled and undressed me on his couch. He wanted to be "friends" so much that I let my guard down and did things I would not have done had I known the feeling was not mutual. He wanted to be my "friend" so much that he ended up making me feel like the smallest, stupidest girl. Ever. It's interesting how friendship works, I suppose. He told me he did not want to mislead me. Too late. Already mislead. Lead astray. Somewhere else completely. I don't even want to be his friend anymore. I don't want to be his anything. I went home after 40 minutes of trying to get somewhere, and I fell asleep. I woke up with a few new realizations: I know why some people are so alone. I think they build their own loneliness. I think they design their own emptiness. I think they live alone at 25 with few attachments for a reason. I think they drink to give them a synthetic pleasure they have no access to by means of their heart and mind. I think they think they like young women full of potential until they realize that they'd rather have zero friction in their life. I thought, after all of this, after nine months of getting to know Miah, I really didn't know him at all. But I think I know him better than ever before.

I spent some time in a bad place at 18, wishing I could see something through clear eyes. Do you ever wake up to realize your life is meaningless? Does it give you strength or lead you to your grave at a young age? It seems that when I ran away from my past all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back. And now I think it's time that I realize self pity's meaningless. Though I'm ten feet deep, I'll claw my way back out from in my grave. But now I realize I'd give anything I have to walk a day in those old shoes. Wondering what my first smoke would be like, my first fuck, my next fuck-up. Or the next band that would change my life. - "Blame It on Bad Luck" by Bayside.

Self-control has just expired.