kelland

There are some people on which I have completely given up. I'm sorry, but he is one of them. I cannot bring myself to smile. Or laugh at his sarcastic quips. They used to bring sunshine to my darkest days. I used to rely on our late night phone ramblings to see logic and reason in my disassembled life. I used to look forward to the work visits. We were a pretty decent team, for about six months, and I loved him as one of my closest, strangest, most difficult friends. I don't feel that anymore. I feel nothing at all. I feel discomfort and anger and sadness and the desire to simply disappear. I wrote him a letter and it was an attempt at amends, and I sat around and waited for something like reconciliation. It never came.

There are some people that I have eagerly pushed aside. I'm sorry, but he is one of them. A year ago, I wanted nothing more than a friendship to emerge from the stupid teenage post-break-up syndrome. I tried and called and wrote and directed my attention towards an unreceptive audience. Then half a year later, the audience came around. But I didn't. I haven't. I feel awkward and lame and exposed. I dropped my shit in front of him. I try to avoid talk whenever we encounter each other. I try to justify it, but really, there isn't much justification. I don't want a friendship because I don't want to face the prospect of more disappointment from the same person. But on the other hand, I do want to make everything better. Please forgive me for not knowing how to do that.

There are some people that I have misread. I'm sorry, but she is one of them. It's easy to dislike someone who you don't really know. It's easy to dislike someone that hurts someone you like yourself. It's easy to misjudge others and still feel like you are the victim. It's easy to take a side when one side is the only side you see. I wish I would not have done the things I did in the scenario. I wish I would not have to worry about seeming like a phony, selfish person to her. But I know I will always feel uneasy because of my own part in the matter. I will always feel like the bad guy that brought about some fights and some discontent. I will always be the pity party in the back of the room, and I wouldn't want to like a person like that either. I will never be able to understand my feelings or have them understood.

There are some people from which I demand so much. I'm sorry, but he is one of them. I expect more than what seems practical, and I want constant affirmation that I am important, that I am thought of, that I am not going to be left alone. He and I were close, then not at all, then closer, then not as much, then nothing. Then something. I have cried the hardest at my friend's house, lying on her bed, rocking back and forth, unrestrained and completely hurt. I have poured my heart out to an embarrassing extent. I have swerved out of my way to seem over-the-top. I have sacrificed my intuition in mere hope of something fantastical. I have avoided reality and the inevitable, and to him I have bitched and moaned and whined and pouted. I feel like a failure and a sorry excuse for a "friend;" I have taken everything personal, and it has left me with little.

I'd like to extend my apologies for not being a better, stronger person. Meredith told me last night in the parking lot that I was strong because, if she were me, with the financial matters and the family matters and the matters of the heart, she would be getting stoned every night. And I don't. But that doesn't make me strong. Not to me. I crumble in the face of conflict. I can work on that. But I can apologize, and so I am.

I got a 28 on the ACT test I took last month. That is reason to celebrate, and it has helped me to feel better about my abilities. Today I went on another college visit. I didn't really like the college, but the visit made me realize that I am perhaps more prepared for college than I previously thought.

Right now I am so sleep-deprived.

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYONE GETTING STONED/DRUNK EVERY FUCKING NIGHT. Does everyone in the world feel the need to get smashed on a regular basis?!?! "Erica, you'll drink in college... trust me." NO I FUCKING WON'T. If I wanted to get drunk, I could right now. I don't have to wait until college for that. I don't have to wait until college to smoke pot. I can get it at work. I can get it closer to home than one might think. I can get in my fridge right now and get a beer. I could go to any party of my choice on a Friday night and pop pills and eat acid and snort coke, if I choose wisely. FUCK YOU. I am so tired of the idea that you can't have fun without pumping yourself full of chemicals. I so tired of sheer acceptance of something so completely un-genuine. I am so tired of a dependence to people, to places, to things, and to fucking bottles of liquid and bags of grass. I want to feel real. I don't care who that offends. I'm so exhausted of seeing this trend consume the lives of the people I love and the people with whom I interact. I don't want to care for people who blatantly disregard caring for themselves. I don't want to hear about how it's okay every now and then and this shit about "everything in moderation." I'm here to tell you that young people have no concept of moderation. I'm here to tell you that a nearly fifteen-year-old alcoholic is a fucking sad thing, even if he is talented and smart and attractive.

I realize I am a minority. I realize I'm not "any fun." Fuck you.

Anyways.