Self reflective rant of some sort
Sometimes I want to ask the world to go fuck itself. No particular individuals, just the world in general.
But then again, sometimes not.
Sometimes I get reminded how much better everything is now than before, like in my teenage years. People always said growing up would be hard, and it is, but being a teenager was so much worse. At least now I'm allowed to deal with my problems. Not when you're 16 when it's all like
"Well, honey, that's not real angst, it's just teenage hormons. You'll have to deal with it before eleven because you have school tomorrow!"
SPOILERS! (Click to view)I'm a person very much in touch with my feelings. Some would say too much, because I have to act on them or I get sick. This ofcourse can be pretty egoistic and I can hurt other people. I can't be close with people who can't in some way deal with my feelings.
When I say sick I mean sick. I'm really psychosomatic. I don't know if that's the english word for it and if you actually can use it like an adjective like that. But still, I am. I get physically ill if I keep my emotions inside. I get headaches or stomachaches or get colds or something. Once in my teens (the horrible period of time) when I had a sort of invisible fight with my dad and he wouldn't talk to me I got these horrible rashes all over my body. It itched like crazy and Ithought I'd gotten allergic to something. But as soon as we had actually talked, they disapperead.
Things like this keeps happening, so I don't think it's a random thing.
Who am I?
SPOILERS! (Click to view)I have a problem with lies. I don't like to lie, I don't like to deal with lies. I know I lie as well, because people who are not autistic or so do.
I don't like the fact that I lie, I don't even like the fact that I put myself in better lightning to impress people sometimes.
So then sometimes I feel like resetting everyones opinions of me, to start over. I don't know anything, I'm not good at anything. Don't trust me. What you like about me probably isn't true. Don't expect anything.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)This is true: I have issues. (All people have issues.) I hurt myself, I am sometimes destructive. I didn't stop to drink because I live a clean lifestyle, I stopped to drink because usually I drink myself so pissed I don't remember my problems. I don't want to be an alcoholic at 20.
I'm cranky and whiny. I'm afraid of taking the next step. I have trust issues. I'm afraid that other people won't like me. I'm always afraid that their concern or friendship or love is a fake, a lie.
xxx
But the one thing I want to tell you, is that everyone is worried about what other people think of them. Some people say that they aren't, and that they are above that... but they really only say that to try and impress other people. At least, that's how I see it. I'm one of those latter people who say that they don't care, when it truly eats them up inside. Tears them up inside to shreds, until they try to papier mache those little shreds back into something that once resembled alive.
So, I tell you that you are wonderful, and you are adorable... and you should always remember that about yourself.
And you should sleep well!
-D