katia

i just came back from his house. i've spent the night over there, and i wish i've never done it.

its fucking hurts, when somebody who is every touch you use to feel through your whole body, fucking you like you are a street whore. its fucking hurts like nothing else.

i can't stop crying. i almost kill myself on the way home, driving 75 m/h between the cars, and crying like i've had somebody died in my family.

i went to the store, bought my favorite soap, and scrape all this shit off of me. it didn't help. i still feel so fucking grouse.

plus when i got home and was opening my door, i notes that not all the keys there. so he went trough my back, when i was sleeping, and took the key to his elevator that i've had. what kind of shit is that? if he would of ask me i would give it to him. or maybe he didn't have enough gods to do it? why the fuck does he have to be so fucking low? well, he took a wrong key. he took key to my swimming pool, because they look a like. and its say "do not duplicate" on both of them. i guess he was to paranoid, that i would wake up to even compare the key to his. how fucking grouse.

god, i've never felt so disrespect, step on in my life. and i have to go to work in a meter of hours. and i am still crying and it seams like i never be able to stop. i feel so fucking shity.

sorry about all this drama.


but you know what it made me realize, that its not how you fuck, and its not how big or small your penis is. its how and what you feel when you doing it. and not only you, but somebody you with. because I felt grate before we had sex. I was so happy to see and feel his cock, that I was in haven. but he totally made me feel the worse, I've ever feel in my life. just because of how he felt. it was not the same.

i use to feel a big worm feeling, going through my whole body, every time he touched me. it didn't meter if we was having sex, or if he was just touching my hand. i felt his every touch. all of me.

now all i felt, that i was fucked like a fucking whore. i didn't feel nothing, but humiliation, disrespect and emptiness.

how do you prove to a paranoid freak who is thinking that you've fucked somebody else, that you didn't? who is actually not think that, who is believe it.

what the hell can I do to prove my loyalty and faith. kill my fucking self, and write a note, that "I was faithful to you till the day I died." or write "your distrust kill me."

or just fucking give up on it. but its so hard to give up on, when somebody saying that you did, or doing something, that you have not done. or maybe if I will go fuck somebody else its would make me feel better?

no, it would make me feel worse. then not only he would make me feel like a fucking whore, then I would feel like one, about myself too. now at least I know, that I am NOT. AND NEVER WILL BE.

i've never cheated on anybody in any of my relationships, and i've never being eqused of cheating. but this dude fucked two of my co-workers, in the first three month of our relationship and now saying that I am cheated on him.

for a crist sake, I love his fucking cock. and he knows it. he was the best sex i've ever had in my life (before last knight), so why the fuck would I want to fuck somebody else? or maybe he is saying it, because that what he is doing or did?

I went to his bathroom this morning, and open this thing where he keeps his toothpaste, and what I fucking see..............a bunch of condoms. "planing on having some mad action"- I asked. "yep"- was the fucking answer. well, at least he shove's it right into my face. and not trying to do it behind my back. I can respect that. even though it hurts like a motherfucker. and it seams that I am totally powerless, in trying to prove him wrong. nothing, nothing will change his mind.

and now I think, that he is doing it, because HE WANTS to (or did) fuck somebody else, and so he wouldn't be a bad guy, its easy to just say, that I did it first. and its dosen't meter to him if I really did it or not, as long as he can do what he wants. and he is ready to go. all prepared and set up. and nothing will stop him.

but wouldn't it be better, just to say that he is tiered of fucking me. and now wants to fuck somebody else. without making a whore out of me. and making me go nuts, to try to prove him that I did not fuck anybody.
or it takes to much gods to do. and unfortunately he dosen't have any.

well, I am kind of not crying any more, just sniffing. so I guess it made me feel better, to share all this shit with whoever feel like reading it. thank you.


i found the key. he didn't take it. it fell of my keychain, and was on the bottom of my bag.