katesmash

I feel like shit today. Is it loneliness? Maybe. Is it the effects of last nights rum? Maybe. Whatever it is, it's been haunting me all day and I do not like it. I hate looking at things in such a pathetic and pessimisstic way as I did today. What is love? What does it mean to love? Can you love just one person? Am I crazy because I wonder whether I should always keep looking for someone better? Even if I'm content with where I am right now? Am I self sabotaging myself? Yes. That answer I know. But how the fuck do I fix it? I'm already on medication. Do I need to do some soul searching? If I do some soul searching does it make sense to cut out all the men in my life? How do I go about making personal changes? I want to quit smoking. I want to become more fit. I want to finish school. But I lack the motivation to do all of these things. I lack motivation to live. I lack motivation to live. I lack motivation to live. How do you fix that? How do you fix someone who doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning? How do you tell that person and make them believe that life isn't as bad as it is? How do you get that person to see the good side of things? How? All I ever hear is murder this, rape that, molest this, mauled that... The world is disgusting to me. People are disgusting to me. People are disgusting to me. People are disgusting to me. But I'm so fucking lonely. Is there anyone out there that this makes sense to? I find sex appalling sometimes. I find relationships to be nothing but false. I find women and men sick and sullied and literally, sometimes, I just want to throw up. Am I losing my mind or do I just not have what it takes to be here? What is God, or god, or gods? I want to know what the meaning of life is. I need a goal that has no ambiguity. I want a decent man, but then again, what is a decent man? Will it always be the man I can't have? Is that what the deal is? Will I always be the Oiran staring through the bars of the love hotel desperately wishing she could get close to that stoic, out of reach ronin? I'm so unhappy. If I had the motivation to do so, or the knowledge that nothing can ever get better, I'm sure I'd kill myself. Don't worry I won't because you never know what tomorrow will bring. But, maybe one day, I will. Will I smile when I feel death gripping me or will I try to keep myself alive just so I can stay with the devil I know?