I'm tired of being knocked around emotionally time after time by man after man. I don't think I'm an unreasonable woman, but shit maybe I am. I do not deal with relationships very well. I have a tendency to be a little borderline in regards to them. Things have to be black or white with me. They cannot be tentative. It's not fair to me. So I need to know whether I'm wanted or not. And you have to say it clearly. Like, "Leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you" or, "I like you." I don't like being strung along. That is when you will glimpse my rage or my sadness.
This weekend it was my sadness with a particular man. I do not understand him even though I really and truly try so very hard. It seems we've switched positions completely from the first go round, and it's difficult. I was not rude the first time, just didn't want that serious of a relationship. I mean just not THAT soon. I don't think that that is an unreasonable decision. I did not deny him the first time, I just suggested very clearly that things should be taken slower. This time, I went up to see him to hang out with him, and he saw it as a purely sexual encounter this time. That was not my intention. Lines were crossed, I was confused, and I still am confused. He has a doctorate in mixed semiotics.
I mean I don't know. Do men usually joke around with a woman and say things like: "You'd make a great wife" or "Would it be too much if you received a second engagement proposal?" I mean, I didn't think so, but maybe you all do. If that's the case, you shouldn't because we women infer things. I get so mixed up not only with this man's words but also with his actions. I just do not understand. Maybe he interprets me wrong as well. The first time I went to see him, we had sex, but I slept on the couch rather than in his bed. Why? Because 1) I went outside to smoke a cigarette and didn't want to wake him by slipping back into bed, and 2) because I believe that sleeping next to someone is a lot more intimate then having sex with someone. Many people don't agree with me, or don't see that as logical, but I do.
He also makes me extremely nervous and self conscious. Ridiculously self conscious. I like him. I always have, but I'm sure my quietness comes off as disinterest to him, and that is so far from the truth. I can't quite seem to be myself around him because I don't know how he will react to the real me. I don't want to scare him off, but I've done it despite this even when I'm holding back.
What drives me nuts about him is that he can't talk to me. He can't communicate very well.
I mean, we did briefly, but after a certain amount of time around high levels of emotions, he shuts down. He makes himself the victim. Now, I'm not saying I'm not guilty of the same thing, but I felt the victim the other night. I felt like I had been completely and totally used after a message I received from him saying that he was trying to be "emotionally unavailable". I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. But that hurt. I just drove four hours to see you, I hate highways, I paid ridiculous amounts in toll fare and gas, bought a 100.00 gps to make my life easier to get there thinking that I'd be going there more often, and you're going to tell me you thought it was just so I could get laid? WHAT THE FUCK!?
Another thing, I don't sleep around just to sleep around for the most part. I sleep with someone usually because I would like to be with said person. I have my occasions where I simply want to get laid, but if that had been the case, I would have gone over to my friend Chris' place and had been fine there. Gotten what I wanted.
In closing, I just wanted to say that, I still like this guy even though he frustrates me to no end, and I would love it if he decided he didn't want to keep the wall up between us and talk to me. I never meant to hurt said person in the past, and I apologize if I had. The sucky part is, I honestly think we'd make an awesome couple.
One other thing before I end this long rant. I can never decided whether he's being genuinely gentlemanly and nice, or if he's being manipulative just to get his way. I can't tell if he's serious about me, or just pulling me along for the ride. That makes me sad, and I honestly wish I knew.
So yes, that was how I spent my memorial day weekend.
This weekend it was my sadness with a particular man. I do not understand him even though I really and truly try so very hard. It seems we've switched positions completely from the first go round, and it's difficult. I was not rude the first time, just didn't want that serious of a relationship. I mean just not THAT soon. I don't think that that is an unreasonable decision. I did not deny him the first time, I just suggested very clearly that things should be taken slower. This time, I went up to see him to hang out with him, and he saw it as a purely sexual encounter this time. That was not my intention. Lines were crossed, I was confused, and I still am confused. He has a doctorate in mixed semiotics.
I mean I don't know. Do men usually joke around with a woman and say things like: "You'd make a great wife" or "Would it be too much if you received a second engagement proposal?" I mean, I didn't think so, but maybe you all do. If that's the case, you shouldn't because we women infer things. I get so mixed up not only with this man's words but also with his actions. I just do not understand. Maybe he interprets me wrong as well. The first time I went to see him, we had sex, but I slept on the couch rather than in his bed. Why? Because 1) I went outside to smoke a cigarette and didn't want to wake him by slipping back into bed, and 2) because I believe that sleeping next to someone is a lot more intimate then having sex with someone. Many people don't agree with me, or don't see that as logical, but I do.
He also makes me extremely nervous and self conscious. Ridiculously self conscious. I like him. I always have, but I'm sure my quietness comes off as disinterest to him, and that is so far from the truth. I can't quite seem to be myself around him because I don't know how he will react to the real me. I don't want to scare him off, but I've done it despite this even when I'm holding back.
What drives me nuts about him is that he can't talk to me. He can't communicate very well.
I mean, we did briefly, but after a certain amount of time around high levels of emotions, he shuts down. He makes himself the victim. Now, I'm not saying I'm not guilty of the same thing, but I felt the victim the other night. I felt like I had been completely and totally used after a message I received from him saying that he was trying to be "emotionally unavailable". I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. But that hurt. I just drove four hours to see you, I hate highways, I paid ridiculous amounts in toll fare and gas, bought a 100.00 gps to make my life easier to get there thinking that I'd be going there more often, and you're going to tell me you thought it was just so I could get laid? WHAT THE FUCK!?
Another thing, I don't sleep around just to sleep around for the most part. I sleep with someone usually because I would like to be with said person. I have my occasions where I simply want to get laid, but if that had been the case, I would have gone over to my friend Chris' place and had been fine there. Gotten what I wanted.
In closing, I just wanted to say that, I still like this guy even though he frustrates me to no end, and I would love it if he decided he didn't want to keep the wall up between us and talk to me. I never meant to hurt said person in the past, and I apologize if I had. The sucky part is, I honestly think we'd make an awesome couple.
One other thing before I end this long rant. I can never decided whether he's being genuinely gentlemanly and nice, or if he's being manipulative just to get his way. I can't tell if he's serious about me, or just pulling me along for the ride. That makes me sad, and I honestly wish I knew.
So yes, that was how I spent my memorial day weekend.
This boy (man?) is emotionally unavailable, can't communicate, makes you nervous and self conscious, as well as crossing a boundary.
Regardless of how much you like him and not matter how awesome of a couple you make - it does not seem like this is gonna work. A couple (or relationship) takes two people.
^^---Makes HULK SMASH!!!
Know your limits.
Draw a line right at the limit.
Only cross it to deliver a fatal throat punch.
You can substitute throat punch for ventilating a lung with a tree limb.