katarzyna

I'm sitting here with red rimmed eyes and tears streaming down my face as a chain smoke on yet another cigarette. I feel overburdened and like I could lose it any second now. My whole life...I've been the fun fuck up of the group. You know the one? The one that is a blast to have fun with, the person who'd give you the shirt off their back if you needed, open door and open arms....but, can't seem to get their life on track. The one with mismatched socks and no hot water...or whatever. And they say, "Oh, that's just Katarzyna...." and laugh.

I just got back from Kate's bridal shower. It was a freaking blast. The house it was held in was beautiful. All of the people there...amazing and same spirited as Kate. But, they all seemed to have their lives in order while mine seems to spinning out of control constantly. These people are YOUNGER than me and have a HUGE beautiful home, lovely furniture, etc. Now, I've never been one for material things, mind you. But, it's kind of a blow.

And I sit here and look at this piece of shit house. How the trash is piling up in the kitchen, think of the bills that need to be paid, and how broke I really am....and wish I could do this life all over. I wish hadn't quit school. I wish I could actually WORK and contribute to my household. But, that's just not an option. It's just one thing after another, after another.

There is so much that still needs to be done to make this move happen. The plumbing has to be re-routed in the new house, carpeting pulled up, new flooring laid, painting, and the moving of cabinets. STILL have to finish packing this house and the people that you are supposed to be able to depend on to help....never pull through. I just feel as though I'm literally going out of my mind. I just want to escape.

I want to just run away and pretend I have no cares, no worries, and no responsibilities. But, as an adult *sigh* I have to recognize that those actions have consequences and there for, I can not do them. I try hard to be an upbeat person and make do with what I have. And for the most part I'm a really happy individual....but for some reason, I just can't stop the tears that are flooding down my face and this sorrowful almost anxiety ridden feeling that has taken over.

Thanks for listening.

-Kat