kaseypoteet

Here's something about me that's wickedly pathetic, and I REALLY hope I outgrow it soon...

Everytime somebody I care about is mean to me, I wonder if it's b/c I am too ugly to be nice to...It's so stupid, b/c in my head I KNOW that NOBODY is too ugly to be nice to...But b/c I went through a LOT of fucked up shit b/c I grew up as a shy, ugly girl by myself on the streets, I have a tendency to regress back to that way of thinking whenever someone I respect doesn't respect me in return...

Believe it or not, I've actually gotten a lot better about this...I used to think this way when ANYBODY was mean to me...But, now it's only people I really, truly care about and feel are really, truly spiritually beautiful people...I assume they see the "real" me, and they realize I don't deserve respect b/c I am so physically qrotesque...

Today I FINALLY accepted the fact that someone I hold in very high regard HATES me...We had a fight a while ago, and since then he's been a total dickhead to me...The fight WAS my fault, and I accept full responsibility for acting so stupidly. I definitely deserved the kind of behavior he inflicted upon me in the beginning, I'd say, but it's been months now, and the kind, beautiful man I once knew still hasn't returned...at least not to me...I still see him acting kind and loving towards pretty much everyone else on the planet, but, for whatever reason, I am not worthy of that kindness anymore...Despite the fact that I've apologized to him a trajillion times, and that I NEVER EVER hold anything anyone does against them...He's been very mean, but there is nothing he (or anyone, for that matter) could do which I can't forgive...It is my nature...But, alas, I believe now that he will never afford me that same luxury...I think that my one idiotic mistake...one bad night of my life...is utterly unforgiveable in his eyes, and, as a result, I have forever lost the kindness and compassion he used to show me...And that hurts me an awful lot.

So, as I said, all I can think of to explain to myself "why" he can't forgive me is b/c I am too ugly...If I were lovely to look at, he'd forgive me, right? If I were perfect, physically, he would look past my mistakes and treat me the same caring way he treats other people, right?

I know this way of thinking isn't going to make sense to a lot of people...I've tried to explain it b/f, but nobody I know really gets the automatic connection my brain makes between meanness and ugliness...Chalk it up to years of fucked-up-itude, I reckon...

Anyway...I'm working on getting past this way of thinking...I really am...But I'm not there yet, unfortunately...So, the way I usually make myself feel better is to go to work (stripper work...not acting work)...It makes me feel so much better to be onstage having all these people look up at me and giving me thousands of $$ purely b/c I've managed to create the illusion that I'm a pretty girl for a night...It's pathetic...I know this...But it's all I know to do right now...Some people drink...Some people get high...I get onstage and show off a bit! It's a much healthier vice, don't ya think?

But, alas...Right now I am just too sad to dance...I wish I could give my friend a big huge hug and make everything beautiful again, but I can't...And that breaks my heart...So, I'm going to use this forum to do a little faux-mini dancing kinda thing for you guys...I work at a nude club (I think nudity is beautiful, and vastly prefer working at nude clubs over topless)...So, here are some pics I took to sorta recreate that...Be nice to me, if ya don't mind...Give me some virtual tips and shit, so I can feel a little less horrible about myself than I do right now...

I miss my friend. Let the (pathetic) Dance of the Depressed commence!!

Cue the music!! (usually I dance to hard ass metal shit, but, since I'm sad, let's go w/something more appropriate...I choose Pap Roach's "Scars"...read the lyrics at the bottom of this blog, please...They're beautiful!)



***Dance, dance...grind, grind...Blah blah blah...Then, bam! BOOBAGE!! Yippee.***



***Dance some more...Grab some tips...Climb some pole...Then, bam!! Off comes the breakaway thong!! Yippee, part 2!!***



***dance, dance...grind, grind...touch myself alot...then, BAM! Time for the Money Shot!!***



***music fades...I'm off to the next stage now...Catch me after my set's through for a private dance, K? I'm the best!! ***

OK...So that was the gayest blog ever, but something about knowing you guys are going to be checking out pretty much every inch of me lifts my spirits a bit...I still really miss my friend, though. ***sigh***

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"Scars" lyrics...Pure awesomeness.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I cared too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cuz you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I cared too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I cared too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should've never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I cared too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that cared too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
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Update: You guys are so awesome...Thank you so much...I got so many sweet, amazing emails, and, of course, the lovely comments people left mean an awfully lot...If I'd written this shit on any other online community I'm part of, I pretty much would've gotten a ton of "Goddamn you're a whore!!" and/or "Demon, be gone!!"-esque emails...But, you guys are all so awesomely non-judgemental...I love and appreciate that more than I could ever possibly say!! Thank you, very, very much!!

And, fyi...A lot of people mentioned "Eye Of The Beholder" shit...Well, just so ya know, here's what my eyes behold whenever I see myself:


The little girl EVERYONE hated and beat up on (literally...w/rocks and bricks and bottles and shit...So unfun!!) b/c she was ugly and different...Rationally, I know that all that fucked up shit happened a long time ago and it is so time to get over it (and I have, a lot, btw...I just still have a long way left to go b/f I'm completely past my old apperance-related insecurities)...But. like I said, sometimes when fucked up shit goes down (like my friend not wanting to look past my weaknesses and be kind to me again), I still revert to my old, panicked, "It's b/c I didn't work out enough when I was around him", or ,"It's b/c he's seen me w/out my (make-up/fake tan/whatever) and if I can just prove to him I'm not some hideous freaky monster girl he'll be nice to me again" way of thinking...Pathetic, yes...I absolutely know this...But old habits die hard...w/a vengeance...Bruce Willis style!!

Anyway...I am feeling better today, so enough w/all this boo-hooing...Here's a big happy monkey picture for everybody...B/C monkeys kick complete and utter ass...Just like all of you!! ::silly monkey hugs!!::



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And on a completely unrelated note:

whywehatebush.com

Thanks for the link, Mr. Acidevangelist! You rock!