Thursday Nov 17, 2005

0

(the following journal entry has been lazily reposted from myspace...it's 4 AM...sue me!! wink)

***************************************************

"It's something that you're born into, and I just don't belong/no I don't, I'm just a no-class, beat-down fool, and I will always be that way/ I might as well enjoy my life and watch the stars play"

Amen, Mr. Cuomo. You are as wise as you are beautiful.(***sigh***)


Sometimes I feel incredibly out of place here (in LA...or on this planet even, depending on what day you ask me! wink. I have met very few people in this life that I feel I can utterly and completely relate to....I have a gajillion and a half "friends", but almost none of them REALLY know me...They only see "Happy Fun Party Girl Kasey" or "Super Wild Sex-Crazed/Exhibitionist Kasey" or "Fight the power/Defend The Weak And Less Fortunate Kasey"or "Shy, Nerdy Comic/Gamer Geek Kasey"etc. etc...I feel like a Barbie doll...I am available in various forms so that people can pick and choose which version they like best and that's the one they get to "play with" (not a sex pun...get your mind outta the gutter!!! wink.

But, the truth is, I am ALL of these things and more. There are so many different sides to me, I'm not sure which one is the really real "original" Kasey. This is a mixed blessing, b/c it allows me to fit seemlessly into ANY situation...I am equally comfortable dining w/the "rich and famous" or sleeping on the street amongst my homeless friends...I am quite comfortable performing on stage w/thousands of strangers watching my every move, or withdrawing into the shadows to let others have the spotlight...I can adapt to any situation, yet I never feel like I really, truly belong in any of them.


"As if I could live on words and dreams and a million screams/oh how I need a hand in mine to hold"

Whine, whine, whine...I know...I hate when I get like this. But sometimes I can't help it...I see so many people around me content to live their lives simply to impress other people with "who they know" or what material possessions they have or how beautiful the world thinks they are...But, I honestly don't care about any of that...Sure, it sucks a whole lot less for people to tell me "you're faaaaaaaaaabulous, dahling!!" than it did to have people constantly telling me I was too ugly to live (back when I was younger, for those who are new to my page), but it's all an illusion to me...The compliments aren't real, the money isn't real, the friends aren't real, the gajillion guys pledging their undying love to me all the time aren't real...It's all fake, yet so many people seem to thrive on that kind of faux-adoration...They LIVE for the attention...Esp. here in LA...It seems that that is all ANYBODY cares about...But I'm so not like that...I can fake it if I must to get by here, but I pray that I don't have to...I hope that I find a way to really, truly "fit in" w/out shifting into "Fake Starlet Kasey" permanently.

But most of all, I hope that one day after all of this "striving to succeed as an actress "BS has run its course, I find a place where I honestly fit in...where I feel loved and accepted, regardless of which version of me people see...where I'm not afraid to let people get close to me b/c I'm scared they'll figure out how awful and ugly I really am...where everybody knows my name, and they're always glad I came... (sorry...I can't get the "Cheers" theme out of my head right now!! wink

Anyway, I guess that's enough rambling in self-pity for one night...I'm sure by tomorrow I'll feel better and ready to conquer the world again (which is what I refer to as "Action Kasey", btw...Now With Kung Fu Grip!! wink...but tonight I think I shall cuddle up w/my kitty and let Mr. Cuomo's lyrical wisdom lull me to sleep.


"every time I pin down what I think I want I want it slips away/ the ghost slips away"


Beautiful.



Peace and love, "Thinky Kasey"

VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
frenchy:
Move to SF, life is much better here wink
eninla:
If you ever want to start a conversation with someone in LA, bitch about LA. No one can resist and we all hate it. We came here for some reason, but can't quite remember why. We can't go back, we can't leave, there is something we have to acheive, but we aren't sure if that is what we want to do anymore, of if we ever did in the first place. In the end everyone just wants to be sourounded by good friends, some family and watch the sun set and rise. Whether we are rich or poor, famous and alone, or beloved and unknown, sexy or sexless, when the end aproaches, nothing much matters than the individual moments that tie the fabric of time together building the story of our lives. I have been stuck in LA for a good while now. Plenty of stories and fleeting moments,but so disjointed, and as you noticed, schizophrenic, am I a filmmaker, a photograoher, an editor, a writer, an artist, an easy date, an intelect, a dork, a sex toy, somebody, or nobody, or are we faking them all, putting on the face. I forgot who I am, or worse yet, who I was is no longer there and I am just a compilation of my masks. The projection has become real and the man in the dark theater can only sit back and watch. What I am saying is, "I hear ya" and like all Angelinos I have to throw my two cents in. Like I said, best way to meet a stranger in LA is bitch about LA. We will share a moment, believe for awhile that it will last and then remember the meter is about to run out. You know those meter maids, ruthless. Gotta go, don't want to get booted. And then maybe that's better, don't let it ruin itself, don't find out it was fake like every other time, don't get burned again, enjoy it for what it was, but it was nothing, just a moment, fragmented and detached. And while it is the moments that make up our live, it is how those moments tie together, build on eachother, and a moment that stands alone, isolated in an abyss of moments, is meaningless. Is it better to have that fleeting moment, or stick around since the pain and the letdown is at least more real, and though it hurts, you feel and it defines you, do you go back, maybe this time it will be diferent, just try one more time, maybe. When do you throw in the towel and run, get the hell out of LA, where the best pick up line is a shared disgust for this city which is only a metaphor to hide the disgust for their own lives which are just as fake. And once they admit it they feel like they have shared a moment of truth between two lost souls, the sex is great, really great, the mind goes blank and the only thing that can be felt is a warm breath on your shoulder, blank, the cell phone rings, reality sinks in and the wall goes back up, the facade is repainted, the charm turned on. What happened to the person from last night, where did they go, we had a moment, who are you? But then again who am I? What is more real, the fleeting moments of truth, or the humdrum of LA faux which consumes the majority of our lives here. We try to deny that it is faux, fake, a lie, therefore not real, tell ourselves it is just what I do, it isn't me, but a lie is real even if it's message is not true, it exists as a the lie and in LA we have to live the lie and anyone who says they don't is lying. It is just the truth and reality of LA. Wow, I can really go off on this topic, thanks for starting the conversation. I apreciate this moment to feel like I am real and I have shared it with someone, but damn it is getting me depressed. If you can't tell I am strugling with the idea of ditching LA. I had a job interview in Portland and now it seems to have fallen through, but I haven't given up hope. At least the job would give me a reason to leave, but I think I still want to go, I have nothing special here, and nothing special there, but they have damn good coffe and the people are real, I used to be one of them, but without the job, a rewarding teaching position at the art institute, I would be going because I gave up on LA, the prodigal son, did I fail at become something I don't think I ever wanted to be in the first place? I can't remeber what that was. I just want to be me, who is that, the guy you met at a bar trying to get in your pants, the guy sitting alone at a coffee shop trying to be interesting, the writer who writes nothing? Okay, I got to stop at some point. Reason is natualy cyclical and it will go on forever whether I stop typing or not. I will let what I have said percolate into the matrix of the collective consciousness and sneak back into the folds of my own mind. Thanks for listening, I enjoyed your post as well, obviously by my obese response. I don't normally post much, and was just browsing arround, glad I did,and glad I ended up here and reading your words, it sparked something. We need more sparks in life to get the fire started. Let it burn!!

[Edited on Nov 24, 2005 1:40AM]

More Blogs