karmakicksass

what happened.
does things really happen like this?
good lord.


May 30th 2005
I could start this ebtry by saying that i am sorry for not writing in you sooner and how much you have missed out on and how much my life has cahnged but that so ordinary. instead ill jsut jump right in....msot of the time i feel scared or hopelessness. im going through those moments which i fee llike i have accomplished somethin, anything to make me feel more whole. a new beautiful person has helped me through so much. im living in their house right now,tyring to get back on my feet. my mom has had to move out of the house i grew up in and my dad was forced to move out of the house he got to build with jamie. either parties werenot able to affrod the payemnts....my parents have both fuiled for bankruptcy and so have i .....what the hell happened to me? i am nto like this, this is not me. i have always been so good with money. i made one mistake. is this what i get for believing in love? i can remember my dad saying, "you could give lauren 50 dollars and she buy 100 things." who is this girl in this shell...........my car is dead, which i still have money owed on, my cat who was my only friend at one point is gone and and my hope is fading.this is like a living nightmare. i try with all of my being to make you understand this is not who i am ; please see me, not this person right now. i know you want me toget a job and get a place of my own, but be patient with me, my whole life has been ripped from my being and stomped on. this is abook and im reading my story. and to you , it probably makes sense. but to me, it doesnt, but then its life that doesnt make sense. its seems like the older i get, the more uncertain i am. i can only hope and pray god will send me in the right direction.
he has so far, even if i dont understand it.**********************************************************************************************************

i must be one of those people that is destined to help others find their way, to help others bare the pain of the world b/c when i try for myself, everything i touch turns to shit. it doesnt start out that way, but soon enough, it starts to get all messed up kinda ilke when rust eats away at a car...for all you who i have tarnished, im sorry. i used to dont get why this happened, but now i do. its b/c i showed you soemthing , i showed you the world, stipped of its rose colored glasses, i showed you love and pain and sacrifice - i showed you the way the world may it be good or bad or evil or kind; i showed you things you werent ready for, and for this reason alone i cant be upset. all my saddness i doth swallow up.





************************************************************************Of all the Angels...

...Let me keep this one. If you have to take them all back, I beg you to please let me keep this one. Never in all my lives, the ones I've died so many in, have I felt this way before. I've walked so very cautiously on the edges of the sands of time and space and air for so long I can't remember. Until you came and whispered in my ear the sweetest song, by my favorite one, the one I won't ever forget. I walk past the sands and find myself head deep in water, wrapped in arms of undertow, spiraling out towards the endless blue. Let me keep this one. Do not let me vanish in quiet musing. I can't take another self destructive comedy. The jackals and the insects have already had their share of all the skins I've shed for just another failed attempt to resurrect something pure: A vision of her, my only one. Let me keep this one. Have I not bled enough times over to fill this ocean red that I'm drifting in? All the answers to every prayer collected upon a single gesture: A kiss... All the visions clear, awake and not drowning. In my angel's arms, sleeping quietly at my side. So abruptly extinguished, the dark and despair. Only love. "Thank you," I said. "Thank you so much."