karenishra2

OK, so it's been a bit. Things are going good with Little Tree. I don't get to see her as often as I would like and for not nearly long enough. But it's all good. Except for one thing. I'm still thinking about her. I don't know why either. In almost every way LT is better than her. But I can't shake it. It's stupid. The last few days have been particularly rough for me. I even cut a little. Not proud of that at all. I know that part of the whole mess is that I haven't fully accepted what happened. I still half expect this to be just a bad moment in time. That the next time i get off work i'll be going back there instead of coming here. Or that I'll get a message on my phone. And then i'll have this really weird story to tell her. And I know how incredibly stupid that is. It still hurts. And I've been avoiding it lately too. I guess i figure that if I ignore it, it will go away. but that's not how it works. Dealing just sucks though. It's hard to accept that the first time I really loved someone is over. And I don't know how to reclaim that part of me. I also still have trouble understanding the whole mess. I go rounds in my head over blaming her and then blaming myself. Neither of which is really healthy.

One of my friends thinks that I need to be with someone closer to me. that the distance between me and LT isn't helping me. Cause when she's not here I start to feel worse. And as i get depressed and lonely, i start to think of her.

Oh well. In other news, i've been trying to get a newer car. Only that hasn't been working. Apparently my credit history is great, my score sucks. So I've got to save for a while before I can try to get a car again.

I've also been more active with my art. I have a model lined up for next week. that should be fun. I haven't had a model to draw from in a long time.

And i suppose that's all. later