karenishra2

I hate this. I hate feeling so alone right now. She is not even a block away and i can't talk to her. I want to soooo badly. I don't even know what i would say. It wouldn't even matter. She probably doesn't even want to talk to me. I want to believe that if i just went to her one more time, it would be enough. That she would at least be willing to talk. I'm not stupid enough to believe that we could be the way we were a year ago. that time has passed. I know that i fucked up. I should have been there for her more often. At least that what I tell myself. maybe it would have mattered. But i know that i wouldn't. Maybe we were just too different. But that's what i loved about her. How she seemed to be my balance. That together we could help the other with our issues and thus become stronger. But she doesn't think that way. She believes that people need to be independent at all times. She can't be part of someone. I understand independence. I like to know that I can stand my own. But if you are truly with someone, and you truly love them, you should not fear depending on them. You should be willing to let them support you and to support them in return. And the worst part is that this is the second time this has happened to me. I have been told by 2 women that I loved that they didn't want to depend on me or anyone else. I don't understand that. I maintained myself but was still able to do little things to help them. I never felt like i was putting them in a position where they would need to have me there to survive. I never made them dependent on my money or my time. I just wanted to help them. To be fair, with the second, i was more reserved. I tried to recognize her independence and give her the freedom to exercise it. I never held her back. She wanted to go out and see the world. I wanted her to do that. and if I could have gone with her I would have. I don't have that kind of money available. It's not that i don't make good money, cause I do. But I have 6 years worth of college to pay off. And a few financial mistakes as well. But I worked hard for what i have. I put myself through college. I bought my own car. It's not much but I own it. And she never understood what that meant to me. Or that i hate being in debt. I don't want to be like my mother. she is almost 50 and is still in a mountain of debt. I don't want that. I want to look toward a future where I'm not working to just survive every month. I would love to be able to do what she can and just take a month to go to some other country. But i can't. But I want to work for that future. I want to know that who ever i am with in the future won't have to support us both. I want to be able to give my kids everything they need. I know what it's like to have to sit at school while the other kids go on some exciting field trip because your mother can't afford to pay the 5 dollars to cover the trip. And the one time I truly had the chance to do that, she hated me for it. She was happy that I didn't get it. She didn't support me. I gave up pursuing that for her, because she told me that she just wanted to be with me, and i wanted to be with her. but she wouldn't let that go. she still hated me for it. She thought that i was abandoning her. I was looking toward our future. i wanted to be able to take her out to do all the things she wanted to do. I wanted to know that i could take time off to go play or to watch her belly dance. I wanted something more for both of us. How is that so wrong?

And on top of it all, I still love her. I don't want to love her anymore. it hurts too much. to be so close and at the same time so far. I know we had our problems. I am not naive enough to think that we didn't, but I was naive enough to believe that we could fix them. I makes me think that there is no hope for love anymore. It seems to be a disposable emotion. You can love someone for a time, and then when it gets tough you can just throw them away and look for the next. What ever happened to sticking by those that you love? what happened to understanding and communication? I don't ask for much, or do i? Maybe the world we are in has no place for me. Maybe I need to ditch the sentimentality of love and the notion that it can save the world. This whole mess leaves me feeling a little jaded. Will the next be more of the same? Should i start to think like she did, that trust is something that you need to earn instead of something that is given? Do i need to put conditions on my love like she did? Will that make me happy? I don't know.

I just wish i had an answer. The gods know I have certainly prayed for it.