karalynn

Quote of the Day:
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me; 'til then I walk alone.- Green Day Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Hi Kittens. Sorry it has been so long for an update. Honestly Ive only been checking SG on our laptop on the second floor. My real puter is on the first; and well anything to avoid steps Im taking. I feel like changing my User Name back to GimpGirl cause Ive been so dependant on my cane. I figure I need a self loathing journal entry so if you dont want to deal with it here is your chance to go. I just need to unload.

Here is the background for people who dont know where the gimpiness came from:
When I was 13 I got hit by a car. I was riding my 10 speed and, all my fault, got hit. The hood of the car locked up under those great curvy 10 speed handle bars and I remember seeing that and then I closed my eyes. When I thought Id stopped moving, I opened them again and was staring eyelevel with the middle of a turning tire. You know how slo-mo all those kinds of things are. Anyway I though Im gonna die and pulled my arms up to my head to protect my brains. Eventually, I did come to a stop. Apparently, from the car damage and witnesses and bruising and such I went up on the hood of the car almost through the windshield, then the passengers side view mirror hit my side and pulled me down side of the car. Hence, the up close and personal with the tire.

Well, Essentially I got lots of scrapes and bruises and all my soft tissue from the waist down became hamburger meat. So Currently, Im a giant blob of scar tissue in my legs and hips and such. Happy thought eh?

Ever since then Ive been a gimp. But it wasnt till college that I got my cane. While driving to classes on campus some dump bitch pulled out of a parking space and hit the side of my car. I saw her coming and had nowhere to go. Coming down the other side of the narrow street was a Garbage truck so I wasnt about to go head to head with that. Well, her whack knocked stuff loose and made me worse for wear. That was either 95 or 96. Anyway Im sick to death of this cane now. Ive had to use it now every day for fuck if I know. Something that was an occasional issue has become a constant part of my life. It sits beside the bed at night when I sleep. In Raleigh, it was stuffed way back in a closet only to be dug up when absolutely necessary. It sits beside me as Im typing. The only reason Im here writing an update is because I had to get something out of the garage. Other wise, Id still be upstairs surfing around on the laptop writing as little as possible on that shitty keyboard.

All the years of pain and discomfort and now it is so much worse I feel like such a wus for even ever opening my mouth to complain that My legs hurt. Before. Now I dont want to whine I just want to cry and crawl into a hole.

I need physical therapy. Lots of physical therapy all that tissue needs to be broken up which I know is going to be the most painful experience of my life and it will have to go on for a very long time. I put it off in Raleigh, saying I would go when my littlest went to school and figured that would work. Then I would have my days free to go to the therapist and not have to worry about my kids while I come home and lick my wounds. Im hoping that things will settle down now. Im hoping I will be able to stick to that plan here in VA.

It makes things so much harder being in a new place and experiencing this. I meet people with a cane now; I see how different Im being treated with it. I hate it and at the same time it is the only reason I can do a damn thing.

Well it feels better to get that out. Dont feel sorry for me, I already feel sorry enough for myself. Just understand that Ive been severely limited with my computer access as of late, only because Im avoiding pain, not because Im avoiding anyone here or anywhere, quite the contrary; I want to have more human contact it takes my mind off things.