kannon

I look at a lot of people. We all do. We see other people every day, all different kinds and to me, all different levels of beauty. I do a lot of staring when I'm out and about, but not in a sexual way (though when I'm watching your crotch area to see if your upper thighs touch when you walk, I suppose we could mistake that for sexual looking). Some people I'll pass up, and others I'll watch for a while. But my point is, I'm always looking for beautiful people. Let's specify - girls. I'm not into girls. I kiss girls, but I kiss a lot of people. Could I be in a relationship with a girl, I don't know. I am not bi or confused, I prefer men but there's no reason not to be open to other opportunities. Anyway, I'm always looking and always thinking and considering their parts, in the sense that I want them instead of mine. I might like one girl's legs better than mine, I might wish I had this girl's nose, that girls teeth. I'll want to trade. No, that's false, I wouldn't want to give you my wretched features. Over the years I've found whole people, bodies and personalities, that I wish I inhabited.

There is one girl, I won't mention who she is because it wouldn't matter regardless, but I look at her pictures and I want to be HER. I am not satisfied with ME, I never have been, but I can look at her and think I WANT TO BE YOU. I want your lifestyle, your beauty, your habits (good and bad), your gait, your hair, your favorites, your likes and dislikes, your piercings, your memories, I want everything of yours that isn't mine.

I don't fight for "originality" and I sure as balls won't fuckin' preach it. I want the opposite, I want to EXIST as a person OTHER THAN MYSELF. I spend too much time wishing I were, in fact, this ONE other girl. I don't copy her, I don't buy her clothes but that's not to say she doesn't influence me. She's not a friend of mine (so jealousy isn't an issue), I don't know her, I've met her once which I highly doubt she recalls, yet I think of her every day and wish that I was born, her instead of me.

I'm told that I'm a beautiful person. I'd like to believe it. Because if you've ever wondered, WANTING, DESPERATELY to be someone who IS NOT YOU, is incredibly exhausting.

Adderall yesterday, Klonopin & alcohol today, Heroin tomorrow. Quite the worthwhile existence I lead, I assure you.

I'm back to Party Monster. Goodnight.