(This blog is about nothing in particular, just thoughts flowing freely from my head)
Few things in life surprise me, I guess its from all that has happened. It seems to me that no matter what happens around me it always seem.... predictable. Not like I knew it was going to happen but like I had this aching feeling that it should... Its odd really.
The people I know leaving, wheather it be by by choice dispersal, me pushing them away, accidents, or the occasional death... more often than not suicide. Because of all this I find myself at a loss. I feel like everything is just some strange experiment... seeing how much I can take before I snap.
A friend of mine asked me the other day... does anything ever go well for you?... and the strangest thing happened... as far back as I could remember only 1 thing I have set out to do went well... ok so not well but happened without something bad stemming from it... and that was graduating.
Everything else in my life that has happened has a bad annotation to it. Every relationship I have had has either ended poorly or as in the case with my ex and now bestfriend had this lingering effect on things. Be it new social interactions or just attempts to learn from the past.
Other than that every job I assume seems to drag me down further and each time in some new way it messes with how I think, feel, or function. Some have been great jobs as far as pay, tasks, hours, people I work with, bosses. But none of them seem too encompase all those traits... I understand that it may be a bit much to ask but hey why not right? Or atleast give me decent pay, favorable hours, and reasonable people. The task and boss are not really much of an issue so long as the boss lets me preform the task uninterupted.
As far as family is concerned things never seem to just pan out to be "normal" Then again in this day and age what is normal? Maybe I should just divulge information about myself this once. You see everything seems to have started this downward spiral since a very young age.
My History:
I was born in east LA (go ahead and laugh and sing the song) in a very poor part of town.... 1982 LA was not somewhere fun to be. The house I was born into was that of a single mother at the age of 18 living with about 6 other women, all around the same age, with thier children. There were no doors, just screens to keep the bugs out at best. The windows were all broken out. Graffiti covered the walls and no furniture was present with the exception of spools for tables and whatever else could be rigged to fit a purpose. Not exactely something to be proud of but atleast it was a place no? My father, a canadian citizen was not around to provide any form of support. However there was always the rest of the family right? No, the only other family that I had and still have was my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle. My uncle at that time was just a kid himself... maybe 12 or so? My grandfather, from what I heard, was rather abbusive. He was born and raised in egypt, was and still is muslim, and for some reason is why my mom left to start. My grandmother was a faithful wife that would back my grandfather no matter what. So for 2 years this is what I am raised in.
I am now 2. My father has returned and begged my mother to move. He says he does not want her nor I to live in such an environment. So he moves us washington. I think it was midway or federalway... something like that.
I will work more on this later...
Few things in life surprise me, I guess its from all that has happened. It seems to me that no matter what happens around me it always seem.... predictable. Not like I knew it was going to happen but like I had this aching feeling that it should... Its odd really.
The people I know leaving, wheather it be by by choice dispersal, me pushing them away, accidents, or the occasional death... more often than not suicide. Because of all this I find myself at a loss. I feel like everything is just some strange experiment... seeing how much I can take before I snap.
A friend of mine asked me the other day... does anything ever go well for you?... and the strangest thing happened... as far back as I could remember only 1 thing I have set out to do went well... ok so not well but happened without something bad stemming from it... and that was graduating.
Everything else in my life that has happened has a bad annotation to it. Every relationship I have had has either ended poorly or as in the case with my ex and now bestfriend had this lingering effect on things. Be it new social interactions or just attempts to learn from the past.
Other than that every job I assume seems to drag me down further and each time in some new way it messes with how I think, feel, or function. Some have been great jobs as far as pay, tasks, hours, people I work with, bosses. But none of them seem too encompase all those traits... I understand that it may be a bit much to ask but hey why not right? Or atleast give me decent pay, favorable hours, and reasonable people. The task and boss are not really much of an issue so long as the boss lets me preform the task uninterupted.
As far as family is concerned things never seem to just pan out to be "normal" Then again in this day and age what is normal? Maybe I should just divulge information about myself this once. You see everything seems to have started this downward spiral since a very young age.
My History:
I was born in east LA (go ahead and laugh and sing the song) in a very poor part of town.... 1982 LA was not somewhere fun to be. The house I was born into was that of a single mother at the age of 18 living with about 6 other women, all around the same age, with thier children. There were no doors, just screens to keep the bugs out at best. The windows were all broken out. Graffiti covered the walls and no furniture was present with the exception of spools for tables and whatever else could be rigged to fit a purpose. Not exactely something to be proud of but atleast it was a place no? My father, a canadian citizen was not around to provide any form of support. However there was always the rest of the family right? No, the only other family that I had and still have was my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle. My uncle at that time was just a kid himself... maybe 12 or so? My grandfather, from what I heard, was rather abbusive. He was born and raised in egypt, was and still is muslim, and for some reason is why my mom left to start. My grandmother was a faithful wife that would back my grandfather no matter what. So for 2 years this is what I am raised in.
I am now 2. My father has returned and begged my mother to move. He says he does not want her nor I to live in such an environment. So he moves us washington. I think it was midway or federalway... something like that.
I will work more on this later...
vegemite:
OK, waiting patiently for a new installment - I love hearing about other people's childhoods and seeing how it shaped them as an adult, for better or for worse... I'm a bit twisted I suppose.
sarahjane:
well thank you dear