kalischild

I really feel as if I need to strategize a great deal right now. I've finally run up against a wall whose nevitability I've been in denial of.

I actually can't think of a single reason to live.

I've always been able to charm people, and create a kind of 'legend' of me.

A legend, more often than not, which is the opposite of reality.

But people generally don't try to penetrate beyond that. This has ended up with me knowing hundreds of people in an incredibly shallow way, and being close with no one. Add into this that I apparently come across as psychotically independent, (and sometimes just psycho) and it appears that I've managed to drive away anyone that could help.

Let alone would.

Which is good, because I don't like most of them, really. People are, um, generally nice. Aside from that, I've never quite 'gotten' them.

I mean, what's the point of being able to make friends with everyone if you don't LIKE them? Why does it matter if they aren't the ones you end up walking with in the desert? When noone was with you in the Utah canyonlands? When you always bleed, and ride alone?

How do you not feel alone when your greatest moments are tho ones no one sees?

I pick up the snails that are in the middle of sidewalks.

You did not know this.

I've never been a leader, I've always been a loner. But I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm also BONE tired of caring if anyone likes me, and of caring if I appear sane. I just want things to be mutual for once. I want my socks knocked off. I want to believe.

As always, I'm not depressed because I want to be loved, I'm depressed because I want to LOVE, and taste blood on my teeth.

I want to feel alive just looking at someone. I want to laugh without calculation.

I want to feel someone's shoulderblades pressed against mine as we both face outwards into a world we both despise.

I want control ripped out of my hands and my heart and my soul.

Faith.