kaise17

i don't know how you keep a positive attitude as much as you do. I do my best to stay afloat on this sinking ship. I try to be cheerful, but it always feels fake and like i'm just playing masquerade. At this point i feel really lost and i think i cut one of the few lifelines i had left on new years night. I know its not going to go the way i want it to, but i still did it. I know she'd never feel about me the way i do about her. I swear i don't know what i'm planning sometimes in my head, but the way i do things thinking its right just pushes what few people that care about me away. I don't like being alone, yet its when i feel least lost. That scares me, i scare myself...its the only thing i find scary. I'm not a scary person...is shouldn't be. i don't know what to do sometimes or at all anymore. I'm just living with no direction or purpose and the longer i do this the more messed up i feel inside. There is so much inside wanting to break out and do so much damage, but i can't let it out i know it'd destroy me and worst destroy what everyone thinks of me. I think that's why i'm always thinking of putting myself down like a sick dog. Make things easier for myself and those around me, but i know that that'll just cause so much more pain in everyone's life. I hate being this contradiction. It's always a fight inside and i don't know who'll win...i don't know who i want to win. I'm stuck in a lose-lose situation, but maybe a win. i keep these demons inside and let them eat away at me hoping i'll win one day or i let them out and hope they won't do as much damage as i think they and hope i live through it. Shit i'm shaking....that's never a good sign. I still have things to do tonight, i can't snap now. I've gotta keep it together. I don't know why i'm writing this. especially to you. I've only met you twice and i'm letting you see me for what i am. A scared kid. I guess we all have our masks, yours covers your face, mine covers my soul. I stopped shaking, 2 guys passed by. Can't let other marines see me like that, can't show weakness to those that have got to trust me. I'm not weak, at least i don't think i am. I've survived myself this long, that has got to be a sign. I'm my own worst enemy...i hate what grows inside me because i don't know how to control it. i don't know what do with it. I don't know what it is. i can ignore it or distract it, but it never lasts. It always comes back to fight me, and take another piece of me with it. I don't know how much longer i'll last, but i'll keep fighting. Its all i can do anymore, survive and fight. Maybe i should go to afghanistan, i'm good at war. Maybe one will get a lucky shot and end this fight for me.....no no no....bad thoughts. I've survived long enough to make something of my life and i should. damn shakings getting worst. I'm sorry about this letter . I don't know what came over me, i just knew i had to talk to someone. I trust something about you. Only a few people do i trust like this. I don't know why. Its always just been that way. Ok the shaking has stopped. Take care, and maybe i'll see you at club suicide sometime. bye for now, thank you for being you. I think i'm just gonna post this in a blog. Maybe if i let the world see me for what i am, i'll finally see what i'm fighting.