kahlua

okeee!!

i guess ill go in and try to find out more info about whether i can transfer to another walmart or walmart owned store anywhere in the uk. that would be just brilliant.

i have so much to do and figure out. legal documents and such. and also, money. as in transfering american to uk form...bank accounts, my cell phone. is sprint a worldy company??? it must be. they have sprint in the uk, no?

and still the biggest scary thing, finding a home. if i can get a place...my credits screwed which is why i am so frightened. if no one will approve me, thats a problem. i will also try to find a place, like rent a room from somebody maybe? look in newspaper???

doesnt anybody have any ideas??? sheesh. somebody just let me sleep on yer couch for the first month or so. ill do all the cleaning and cook you nice dinners!!! hehee...

im definantly gonna try to do this, im just scared of the whole homeless thing.

see, if i move in november, i will have approximately 3thousand dollars in the bank. that is enough to get a place but if im on my own, it puts alot of pressure on me to find a job that can make rent, ya k now? so scary!!! please help!!!

no pervies please.

also...dream time again. this one not so uplifting. and quite strange, disturbing.

sooooo in my dream, my roommate samantha and i worked in the kitchen at this old fancy hotel type thing. i believe we worked nites, and we had a suicide pact. we both were going to slash our wrists after work. at work. it got to time to do the deed, and i was super impatient, and excited. like a cult member who thinks their going somewhere better. and she wasnt. she was still working. like we had all the time in the world.

so i got super impatient and slashed my right arm, from the base of my hand all the way to the inside of my elbow.

i remember watching the dull knife cut through....it sliced right through my skin but didnt do so well after...i didnt cut all the way to the bone.. and i remember how the knife caught and dragged and i remember seeing the inside of my arm, things you should never see. i got all messed up. i wanted to die, but not yet, i just waned to slash my wrist and i was impatient, but i wanted to die with sam so i only cut one arm.

then i was running around the building, bleeding almost to death. i tripped on the stairs, in the hall, the wood banister. i remember how dark the wood was, and how dark the floral carpet was. there was blood everywhere, blood in the carpet, walls stairs banister...and my arm was clsing up.

it scared me, i wanted to die sooooo bad adn i ripped my arm back open. i didnt cut it, i ripped it because it wasnt closed all the way. i remember how strange and cold and empty my hand felt. and the hot sore pain of the knife as it cut, a true pain, really relivant to how this sort of thing feels...only not intense at all. in my dream i felt very frustrated impatient and i just wanted to die.

but then i thougth i was gonna get in trouble. i still wanted to die, but i thught id wait so i let my arm heal and went to work again, all the while concerned about someone seeing all the blood. my heart was pounding the whole time and i was anxious to just get back and slash the other arm. i never saw myself bleed the whole time, but there was alot of blood.

it was soooo fucked up.

recently i read an article in a magazine about a girl who had a suicide pact with a friend.

and the house reminded me of the house me and sarahjane visited in bellingham.

im not suicidal. sam isnt. i certainly wouldnt want her to ever be hurt.

this dream i can make no sense of. i dont know what it means, if anything.

but once again, it was soooo much more true feeling than most dreams.

and i think it was the most disturbing dream ive ever had.

sure we all have death dreams, but a suicide dream??

it was fucking horrifying...