kahlua

dada dum. what? ok.

i am not sure i believe it. what they say. about anything. good or bad. haha. its just a fuckin laugh riot. where this thing comes from and why people feel the way they do.

im not doing so well as far as people go.

why am i so fuckin weird about people???? no family isnt dna so fuck that old myth. and as far as dna does go, i have no one. being related to those people doesnt mean shit, im afraid. i wish it did. i wish i had real family. with me and to visit. i wish it was a part of my life. id love that.

i do not want to ever spend another christmas by myself.

i want to buy into the propaganda and buy presents and cards and have a big family gathering. i want to be someone theyd miss if i wasnt around.

friendswise, ah....does wearing a halter top make me a whore? a threat? does it mean my best friend should be mean to me, vicous? she was horrible. and yah that was a few months ago, but she is still cold. i am so nice to her. so much for salvaging a friendship. i guess it wasnt worth saving. i never did anything wrong and the things she said and accused me of, or said i might do were very bad. mean.

i hate mean. mean is horrible i just hate it. why wont people be nice??? its a happy way to be. i like it.

am i too optomistic to think that ill have friends who wont treat me like shit? who wont lie? who wont drop me? who wont freak out and yell and accuse and be mean???

sarahjane...im going to kidnap you and take you away to hawaii with me for school.

if you dont want to go then ill go without you and ill send y ou letters and sand and things.

either that or ill go to portland. im not so sure this spokane thing can work for me. it makes me sick. i just want out. yah i love my paychecks. but
really

how much am i willing to sell my happiness for???

because i am not happy. i am so far from happy. if i look arounmd me i think i can see why. i dont really seem to have much.

and what i want is to matter to people. i want to make a difference in peoples lifes and do good things. i want to become an art teacher so i can help those kids like me, the way my art teachers saved me from the hell i was naturally inclined to fall into. i want to tattoo because its part of my fuckin soul.

this is what i am (ooooooh tiger army) and i need to follow it.
i need to get away. i need to matter to someone. i need to find that path in life. i know what im lookin for i just dont know where it is.

and i no longer even know what to say.